I was prepared for an annoying day. And have always felt the need to assert myself, especially when I am in the middle of an activity or analyzing my most deeply held convictions.Living in society, we all have to make compromises. But I am not sure if I need to adjust my attitude to adapt to the system, or whether I should fight for my individuality.

Now that the contact details have gone to trash, I am left alone with my questions, my illusions, and perhaps some decisions to make about my capabilities. Am I an intellectual or a poet ? It's not always easy to tell, especially when it comes to choosing ways of thinking or even ways of living my life.Perhaps a quarter away , I will be gone...miles away...Unseen....Untouched....Just want to be sure I take the time I need to get some perspective on the situation in order to be in the right state of mind to make the decision that is best for me. And remember, it's OK to have some doubts, because I know how important this decision is to my future.

And tonite I just want to relax....and explore the magic within, instead of making tenuous connections with someone who doesn't seem interested in the same level of emotional involvement.
DE TAALI :-) yay !

Dr Altruist says .......

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.! LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Neelam is quite my gossip kaki ;-) & its nice.And Vikas has been a good bro though he nags bout me being inconsiderate towards him most of the time.hehehe.keep on tryin' bro.....I'm your brat :-D And I am going to follow my heart's desire even if it means travelling from one disaster to another.

Making too much of nothing...

It's GORGEOUS outside here btw.It rained today and I carried my blue umbrella the way i used to when I lived in Haflong.Things are so different here.I remember having to carry an umbrella everyday there cos the weather was so unpredictable there.Its been very different here in Delhi.And today, I want to go out shopping and just drive around. I don't have much money though. And I want to go with a friend.YES ! I KNOW ITS SUNDAY TODAY and it is ridiculous having to jump out of your bed and rush to work when the rest of the world in enjoying monsoon. I want to go to the Haus Khaz fort with Ashim or go out to a bar tonight with friends even though I don't need the alcohol...I am going to call him Ashim from now on cos it feels REAL that way.Last time, he saw something in me that I couldn’t see. And every time he looked at me, I felt alive again.

Inspite of all these beautiful weather out ,Delhi doesn’t feel like home anymore. I used to feel as if I had two homes. Two places full of friends and family. Two places where I could be myself and be happy. This summer is different. It is not a place where I want to be for a long period of time. Perhaps I wouldn’t feel this way if my old friends were around. My friends have all moved away and so now there isn’t much left for me to do. All I have right now is a cup of coffee which is not enough. I am bored. I don’t even have a boyfriend to hang out with or cuddle when its raining. I have my sister who is only sleeping when she's home or out to work. Here at work there are women all of who I can not stand for too long. I don’t want to say hi or good morning when I don’t feel like it. I don’t want people to talk to me unless I talk to them. Actually I don’t want people to talk at all (unless I give them permission) but I know that is very unreasonable and even more unlikely.

(sad I know).

RED BULL

Tats my latest addiction after latte. Red Bull ! It costs me 75 rupees :-(
For tat amount I could buy two beer and one cigarette. Humph !
Red Bull supposedly give u Wings it seems. Really ?
I've been told it has HIGH concentration of caffeine,glucose,sucrose and taurine to increase metabolism. I have no clue what they do to my body but I sort of feel happy every time I drink it.

Dum Da Da Dee Da ....

How old am I ? twenty six !I don't feel adult enough to be twenty six, if anything I feel I am regressing. My friends aren't much help, they all seem so much more grown up than me. One of them is married with two kids, and the other two have just bought houses with their partners and talking seriously about marriage and children.

I feel to young to be doing any of that, and the idea of being responsible for another human being fills me with terror. When I was younger I used to think that when I reached the age I am now, that would be it. Everything would make sense, and I would have a clearly defined path through my life.

But in fact I couldn't be more confused.

Maaaad as a fish

I know I know, “..months after your break up, you should be happy blah blah blah” but when did anyone ever know me as logical or blissful ? Never, right.

At the moment, I’m stressing about almost everything. It doesn’t help that I’m tired and I have the patience and temper of a very hungry lion at the moment…if i was a lion, i would be roaring “GIVE ME MEAT” and running around eating people’s heads or something.

My source of stress right at this second is of course LOkesh . I’m finding it increasingly hard to bite my tounge every time he mutters something about DAT that i simply have to do right away. He only sits about a foot away from me and tends to lean over onto my desk as well as his own. I’m not good with people right in my space anyway, but when it feels like someone is looking over your shoulder (even though he isn’t), it’s driving me insane.

Of course there’s a million other little things that are getting on my nerves/stressing me out too:

Lokesh's voice
My jeans keep falling down. I look like i’m trying to be one of those cool kids with baggy arsed trousers
Why can’t someone give me lots of money
Why doesn't Sam call ?
Should i go on? I think not….MY GOD I NEED SOME SEX !!!!!!!!

Being Miscellaneous...

Things are altogether a bit strange at the moment. Which makes it all the harder, blogging wise. I’m well aware that i’ve blogged a lot about Sam, and i’m trying to find usual day to day things to write about. But life just isn’t day to day right now. My body is all out of sync, my brain is stressed and the two combined are making me feel rather ill.

On a positive, the apartment feels like home, well ‘a’ home now. Although home is still in the Hills in my mind, i’m hoping that this will change pretty soon.

I’m blowing hot and cold. One moment, everything is glorious and the next moment i get hit by a whole load of crap i’m living in Delhi, i miss mom and my home and i don’t know anyone who I can trust and i don’t want to go to work and i don’t want to have to take that green fucking auto(which i do, every time i want to go somewhere)’.

Yesterday was fun. Inspite of stomach fuck up (thanks to aol treat) .Even beggars eat better food than that i think.But catching up with Pradu was fun....so was Abha n Sandy at Flames ( quite a kool guy ).I avoided alcohol :-) But I guess that’s expected of a sick me.However, it did remind me why I don’t drink any more. It turns me into a crazy monster.An emotional crazy monster. Who cries buckets for a silly guy. And can’t form words properly. And loses money.I used to drink lots, a few months ago but i stopped when it became quite clear that it did nothing for my depression and made me 100% worse. It also makes me feel VERY ill.

One thing that I realized recently is that I think everyone is judging me by my own harsh standards… I never stop to think that maybe they don’t see what I do, maybe they see someone that they like.I focus on the negative, that much is clear. I know that i’ve never been totally happy, I also know that at one point, I really wasn’t happy at all. I have spent so much time feeling and being negative about me and everything that happens with me, and spent so much time thinking ‘I’m sad’ that I didn’t notice the little positive changes.
While there might still be an inner sadness, I can accept that it’s ok. Perhaps I will never be 100% happy….I don’t know many people who are. Perhaps that will get better over time. For all that focusing on what was wrong, I didn’t look around and see all that’s now right. I am happy. I’d forgotten how to recognise when I was.

Things have clicked into place over the last few weeks. I feel like i’m finally getting somewhere, and it’s somewhere that’s looking quite good. I can deal with things better, I know that I need to concentrate on who I am and will be rather than who i used to be, and I also know that whatever I thought, I actually had good reasons for feeling the way I did.

I spent so long being who I thought I should be, how I thought everyone else wanted me to be and then such a long time just holding myself together, that I forgot who I was. I’m still not sure, but I do know that it’s a nice, happy, funny and caring person….well that person is in there somewhere.

I can remember little pieces of who I am now. I can feel how nice it was to be myself. There’s no point trying to struggle back to who i was in the past, I need to look to the future, and I know who I want to be.

Swirling mass of contradictions.

Been a while since I posted. Was caught up in so much shit. Friends , love , family , job , bills....so many things keep me busy. lol. I wish i could be free like those sparrows I see in the fort.Work continues to be hectic and CPW migration will take away our business if we don't come up with a resolution within a day or two.Our leaders suck ! I think its foolish to raise fault ticket n stop routing calls instead of finding a solution. Plus , Mumbai, Bangalore and Waterford are better off tweaking routers than anythin' else.But anyway, i finally have two days to rest and i'm looking forward to catching up with Puneet, Ranbir and most important painting tat old cupboard in my room which i had been thinking of ever since i can recall...Puneet has just finished college and left hostel and friends for good.I can just understand how nostalgic that can be.Hostel bonding...nothing compares to it.Its just temporary phase tat occupies your life and later becomes a memory.He's still a boy who loves his friends so much and he thinks he's goin' to miss them lots and forever.....sometimes innocence of mind make you so adorable.Though in my case , I have realized that when our mind can be our best friend , it can be your worst enemy too.I just want to live a normal life without letting my past and negative energy affect me.

Tat reminds me, I want to attach a photo of my new room setup.I read on the internet that according to vaastu shastra we should sleep in southern direction for peace and harmony.And that is all I need right now after all these whirlwind thats been happening in my life.And yes, i did feel the difference after i gave away my old clothes, pillows and bed sheets to tat poor woman.I hope it doesn't affect her life.I must be funny....as Aditya says ;-) I've been eating weird meals.I got this idea of organising my meal a healty way, so i went to spencers and got all green vegetables and papayas and everything that i could pick up from the exotic corner.Now the thing is...i don't like it.I'm just not the salad type and i end up eating more ham than the fruits.And i had the weirdest dinner of the year today i guess. I hated the taste of broccoli so much , i mixed extra mayonese and pepper plus those fried potatoes tat mini had left.Good diet and Nilanjana just don't go hand in hand i guess.

I was reading bout health tips and smoking effects on AOL today and did an addiction test. I've been told m at medium stage...hmmm Really ?? bullshit...i think i'm worse than the chimney i had seen at barman bakery in Haflong.I have given up alcohol....i almost don't even drink socially.Like its Aasif's birthday day after tomorrow and i don't want to celebrate it with alcohol.And I really really want to cut down on cigarettes if not quit completely...i mean , its seriously unkool.

Ohh Gawd ! theres lots more i can think of and write... like how Sunny tried to hit on me to the core yesterday and how it feels when he calls me from Amsterdam and how happy I was to know tat Bihari is coming to India this August, something that I always look forward to every year cos thats the only exciting thing that happens to me on annual interval....its not Diwali or Holi but always Bihari's homecoming tat I wait for.I know he will not be happy to see me in my present condition bcos he has always thought of me as a substantial person who is just careless.Let me not think much .Its bad for my health. lol.Time to swap to snooze mode.....

Goodnight !

p.s. just thought of Anaconda's eye....and this is what i want to tell him...."listen dude ! i am ok & i'm much more stronger than wat u think i am.
and *******....i heard u life royally sucks...m sorry to know but i guess tats just bad karma....so be careful. U ruined my life...and you are just paying for it.I care least bout u now...you started the game , victimised two happy people with your dirty politics and now u r ruined for life....now spend the rest of it with somebody you don't love and i hope you realise how sick it is to live like tat....yah...like i am living without my bf bcos of YOU. You awful bitch. NOW ROT! Cry for the rest of your life.

I'm happy.