I have places that I like to go--mostly because we are somehow sentimentally attached to them. Places we liked to go together. Think Deer Park,Cafe Coffee Day, Fort, Barista in Green Park. . I love having places like that: good food, fun things to do, and most of all, great memories.
Haus Khaz fort is one of those places.We spent many happy hours there. Those days are some of my favorite memories: sun, birthdays , smoking and just monkey business.We’d gather at CCD, then go to the Deer Park across the road. We’d spend hours on the sun, and hit the dark halls. Fun-and-fancy-free days.Well, it doesn’t matter where we are in life, there will still be occasions where we can visit those places all together again, and create new memories.
Hard and strong, singing a song...a girl from St.Agnes' School.The years have found her here ,it matters not what it has brought, she clings to her virtue and knowledge.With her play things she has already parted but Agnes ,her model still guides her.Whether at play , whether at work....nobly she does her part.And just keep trusting as she walks along life's swift fleeting days.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Life is short. Death is permanent. No matter how much time passes you never stop hurting or missing special people.
When Rohan died he took away my only chance to ever know and he took away most of my anger. What was left at that immediate moment was memory. What is left now is a wondering combination of the need to know and the want to forget. The man did lots to fuck me up in four short years and a lifetime than anyone ever has or will again.
This was a man who could make me feel like I was the most perfect human being ever, and when he left he caused so much hurt and pain enough to make me wonder what was it I didn't do to keep him safe and sound.
I feel you in the summer sun every year.How can I enjoy any good thing that might come my way if you aren't here to experience it with me?
I short , I miss you more than you can ever understand.
I know it may sound like a broken record.If you've been keeping up with the news you know how hard of a week it is for our entire country.Serial blasts in Bangalore yesterday and today Ahmedabad.In some way, we've all been touched by this tragedy.Please keep these decease's families in your thoughts and prayers. We can only hope that they are at peace and in a better place.
Undesirable politics, leads to all relationships broken and corruption.. The human being, a social animal is ultimately the victim obliging to enter into conversation with whomever is receptive.However this supposedly receptive third party is surely involved in some underhand activities, or is known for some form of perversion.
It is not for nothing that dark times are perpetuated and fear comes close to the individual.Sitting tight seems to be the best option. It would seem the current times we live in are unsustainable. The current situation is left with a direction into more expansion of inhuman crescendo.
Currently the most incorrect political stance, is to say I am a human, and it “is possible to trust local people anywhere”. But they killed so many of my brothers. Contradicting ! isn't it ?
Although I am an optimist by nature, the depth of ugliness to which human beings can go, never surprises me.I would say that the only distinction between humans and animals, is that we are the only species that is intentionally cruel.
A peaceful dismantling feels remote but I would rather be hopeful.
I'm 26 years old and this FACT is weighing my mind.I know i'm not-so-young now and by now I should have clear idea about my purpose and direction.
I work full time. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it (usually). And I feel like there’s so much to do in my LIFE and I don’t know when to do it all.
I have long wanted to work in events. I love acting, but I don’t think that’s where I’m meant to make a living! I love photography, but I don’t know enough to work in that field (yet). Events (or public relations, marketing, etc) seem like the perfect place for me to use my creative AND practical sides. It just so happens that Abha feels the same way. In fact, she recently referred me in her media company.My baby Teak project is not happening anymore because the government is building a huge dam in he place which could have been my nursery.And it breaks my heart to know that my first attempt in entrepreneurship failed before I could even start it.
University ? Can I really adjust to it .Nah !Even when I was normal college age ,I didn't quite enjoy learning.I never liked sitting in the class and listening to psycho looking professors.I want a Master's Degree of course but I don't want to go to the University.It may turn me into a fat book reading worm that I am not.I HATE INTELLECTUALS.
And I want KIDS.I fancy the idea of little kids calling me MOMMY.I guess its a big time thing.But here I am....too selfish with my time to even have pets,let alone kids.I will obviously be married before having kids.
So, now comes marriage.How am I supposed to justify saving up buttloads of money for a wedding and a kick-ass honeymoon somewhere exotic., when that money goes to daily expenditure. Argghh!
Abha and I often talk about picking up and moving somewhere. Just for the heck of it! To experience a new city,to get out there and try something new, to go on an adventure! I like the feel of Sweden, but want something a little different. Of course, my dream is Chicago or New York, but mom will freak out knowing that I even thought of living in those places.London suits me best.And Ahem ! Only three people know so far WHY :D
My Miss Universe friend is also in Delhi now which means theres goin' to be a time machine miracle.A lot of memories rockets into my brain.And we have just three months before the wedding.Missed out on lots in the past five years.I am REALLY happy.This is nothing relevant to me apart from the fact that I love people for who they are.It only hurts me when I think that I can never have a fancy marriage ever because I will never marry the guy of my mom's choice and she would never let me marry the guy of my choice. Haha ! Stupid thought...shush
Hmmm! This is all pretty overwhelming. I like to live in the moment and be spontaneous. I don’t want to plan everything out. But I also don’t want to turn 35 and feel trapped....errr ! The world ends in 2012 right ? :O
Nahin rakhta dil mein kuch rakhta hoon zubaan par Samjhe na apne bhi kabhi Keh nahin sakhta main kya sehta hoon chupakar Ek aisi aadat hai meri
Sabhi to hai jinse milta hoon..sahi jo hai inse kehta hoon Jo samajhta hoon Maine dekha nahin rang dil aaya hai sirf adaa par Ek aisi chaahat hai meri Bahaaron ke ghere se laaya main dil sajaakar Ek aisi sohbat hai meri Saaye mein chaaye rehta hoon..Aankhen bichaye rehta hoon jinse milta hoon
Kitnon ko dekha hai humne yahan kuch seekha hai humne inse naya......O..o..o .....O..o.o
Pehle phursat thi ab hasrat hai samaakar ek aisi uljhan hai meri Khud chalke rukta hoon jahan jis jagah par Ek aisi sarhad hai meri
Kehne se bhi main darta hoon... apnon ki dhun mein rahta hoon Kar kya sakhta hoon De sakhta hoon main thoda pyaar yahan par Jitni hai siyat hai meri Reh jaaoon sab ke dil me dil ko basaakar Ek aisi neeyat hai meri
Ho jaaye to bhi raazi hoon....Kho jaaon to main baaki hoon Yun samajhta hoon Raste na badle na badla jahan.. phir kyon badalte kadam hai yahan
Song: Nahin Rakhta Dil Main Kuch Singer: Lucky Ali Lyrics: Aslam
Just another case of junk forward that I keep receiving in my work inbox.This one really made me smirk.Hence this upload.Nothin' serious :-)
Friday, July 18, 2008
This weekend I will get a hold of myself and have a big clear out of all the junk which has accumulated during the past week.If I'm feeling REALLY on top of everything I put the clothes which are covering my bedroom chairs in the washing machine and back in the wardrobes and drawers where they belong.The problem with being at work all the time is that by the time you are back all you want to do is lay your back, close your eyes and think of all the things that made you laugh in the day. I know I know I have to acquire some discipline so I can grip what I should be doing and stick to it.
But here I am now, writing this blog, playing games on orkut and doing anything else I can think of to do in order to avoid having to tackle my household chores.My life is currently measured in 20 minutes segment.I've got into orkut big time getting happily involved in online games.I HATE doing household work and one of the great things about living on my own is that I need only clean and tidy when it gets really bad - unless I'm expecting visitors and then I rush round in a flat spin panicking like crazy and shoving everything into boxes, under tables and anywhere else I can conceal stuff :-)!
So here I am sitting here listening to my favorite song and writing this latest entry in my blog as a displacement activity. :D
Talking about blog entries ...I wish I was a fabulous writer who could make sense, so that I could show off my link like other bloggers do in the community.But then what are blogs actually ? self indulgence...and expressing myself the way I want it is all that matters.This blog is for me , by me and of me.Period!Its my relationship with oneself.I'm not goin' to talk about religion and belief and technology cause I don't have any of it and I care least about it.Am I self obsessed ? Maybe....but who is not.People just don't admit it.
Oh ya ! I hung up on Sam today and felt GREAT.Looser that he is, he expected me to recognize his number.He should have known that by not treating me like gold he was missing an opportunity.Which smart girl would date an average looking , freelance recruiter who does not wear shoes.And whose friends include ugly Hindi speaking girls.Job portal eh ? hahahaha !
I guess this is by far the most pathetic entry i've made so far.Maybe it's lack of caffeine or weekend excitement.
I can't be happier than this.My best friend is engaged now and will be getting married in November.It's really really nice to know that a friend you spent your most careless days with is settling down and finding her oyster. What are marriages actually? Some inspirational occasion to step inside the box or humanity's timeless ritual.I see it as a puzzle that my brain cannot handle.Or maybe I need more logical insight. I always thought great things come from small beginning.And that it is change that makes us move ahead with the plan.It is then that we experience true happiness...with your SOULMATE.But figuring out who your soulmate is a bigger puzzle.Plus what is soulmate actually ? does anyone even know ?
Maybe it's best for me not to even think about it for I might be overly sensitive about how my last relationship failed miserably.So, instead of mulling over what I did wrong and analyzing what I should do in the future, I'd rather stay in the present moment and just do whatever I like.
I just have one question that I want to ask people.Does marriage harmonize emotional stress and financial imbalance? If answer is YES...! there I am...shaadi.com calling.... ;-)
Monday, July 14, 2008
I am struggling with the decision of whether or not I want to stay here in Delhi…I'm completely torn between going home to Mum's cooking, my own bed, my own native language and of course all of my friends from years gone by… I've been away a long time, and I don't know if I want to continue this lifestyle, or if I indeed want to come back to my dear homeland. Putting all other considerations aside, the matter really boils down to two things: do I want to stay? and can I logically afford to do so?
Yes...Yes...I need mental checkup.One day I write about sipping coffee and MTV and next day I come back to my Ann Marie mode.I will soon try to figure out what they've been mixing in my coffee ;-)
Of all the addictions there are out there…mine is coffee. However this addiction isn't so selective! I am addicted to any old coffee…but yeah it must be good strong preferably a latte or Americano that generally leaves a slightly bitter yet aromatic coffee flavour in my mouth (ya I know I sound like a pompous twit). I generally dose in my addiction four to five times a day.You see drinking coffee is not just about stopping the headaches you are getting (its true I really do get headaches) from the lack of caffeine, …drinking coffee is all about the experience. It is about enjoying the bitter aromatic flavours as they hit your mouth, its about the feeling on relief as you satisfy you coffee craving but most importantly alone or not its about enjoying your surroundings, slowing down the pace of life and to follow the line of kitkat ad with a student twist… “take a break have a coffee.”
My friend Aditya knows about my need for coffee and was the first to identify the sources of my headaches were from the lack of caffeine.However, he never understood why drinking coffee is my favorite pastime.That is when I needed to explain to him the idea of the “coffee experience” which consists of slowing slipping your coffee, enjoying the weather (rain or shine) and the company of your friends as your chat and talk about nothing and everything all at the same time.
If you coming this way…let me know and I can give you a list of the best coffee around…maybe then again maybe I am the only one this obsessed with coffee…hmmmm…
I can objectivity see where my life is.I am at a scale that seeks the harmony of well-balanced life, both personal and professional.It's like a of a tug of war between two giants. Yes ! Yes ! I will not fall victim to blind optimism.CPW Transition training is boring to the core and i've chosen Orange bus under Joris.Nothing much interesting happening in the training hub except for my natural plea to cut it short because most of the things that Rakesh speak is irrelevant to the process.And some of my dumb colleagues in their endless effort to prove their concentration ask ten question is five minutes and that really puts me off.Prachi , Alka and Amit are nonstop learners of dummy rocket science while Neeraj,Juicy & I are born scientists just grasping things and keeping it safe in the head.Plus we secretly stay connected to AOL, google and orkut in the class :-D while others are dealing with Kana and Dise.I will be certified tomorrow.Yay ! :-)
This side,I think i'm in love with MTV .I mean I have been tempted to over commit and overindulge in one of the Roadies Community on orkut.I can spend hours reading retard discussions and participating in forums.It keeps me occupied.I haven't had the time to miss anyone....plus I have learned that indulging in silly things don't hurt.There has been bad experience there like,I have been victim of identity theft where jobless retards cloned my profile and started abusing.But it didn't matter to me.Not at all.I care least now.I have been compared with some Bosky all day and I have no clue what she's all about.At one time,I did feel like my creative expression was blocked there, but again,I didn't try so hard to push against it because I feel like slowing down a bit and its for a reason. There I found a place within where I am not judging myself based on my production.And where everyone is detached.And nobody knows me.Things are a lot easier when you realize that there's no need to try to impress anyone.But yes,I will be wise to remember that too much of a good thing is not necessarily a good thing.
Last night I saw HER dying in my dream.And I was cold.I am not able to figure out what lies behind all that.But when I woke up,I thought about her and felt bad.Nevermind! I know there are some unnecessary discussions goin' on somewhere and all I can say is that they got to do something better to bother me.My willingness to delve into the mysteries of my own psyche can lead to bad scene at home.But I will choose to stay quiet.I know it's not so simple when what you bring into awareness creates tension with your peers and that keeping the intensity to myself is not a viable solution. But I am too much ahead of them to resist their allegations or prove my courage to show positive transformation.They have lost me now.It's too late.
I think I shouldn't be tempted to go overboard and write more than you should.Later !
Its Appraisal time here in the company and I am sick to my head.Plus the entire L2 bay has been shifted to level 5. I don't know if its good or bad except for one relief that at least here we will not have whining agents running up to you every 5 minutes for help.Plus , pantry is less crowded.
Peeyush said, "Sorry to hear about your bad experience, Nilanjana, I have worked at Wipro and your complaints come as no surprise.There really is no excusing such a poor employee experience. I'm sorry to have ever been employed by them."
Wow, does that say it all about this company's lack of focus on employee experience? How would you like your employees to be sorry they were ever employed by you?
This leads me to an observation. In two companies I have worked with in customer experience, neither of the two actually did anything to measure employee loyalty and employee perception of the organizations ability to deliver to customer expectations. What a missed opportunity. While collecting OUR customer's perceptions and experience is critical to improving our performance, they are missing a key opportunity with THEIR own employees to evaluate and improve performance while raising employee pride. Your employees are the ones handling the customer issues, we are quite aware of what we need to do differently. Wipro has completely forgotten this very important stakeholder in their feedback processes.
So its weekend's dizziness time...and my head feels like it's been used on a cheese grater after all that T&D and chatting and Scorpion Holiday and google.Sure....its not infected mushroom.Its overdose of internet I think and Im not tryin' to dramatize....but when my broadband fails to work , I use dial up to stay connected.I am sensing God's ridiculous efforts at refining me which is why this weekend instead of Barista or The Beach ,I was wandering at Spencers.It really makes sense, inspires me to keep moving,instead of loving and crying....just to keep being.I wanted to stop my social running around and take time to engage in pleasant activities around home. Spend time in the kitchen or decorating indoors to take my mind off more complicated issues for a while.We cannot shut off the flow of thoughts, but can shift our attention to more enjoyable pursuits even from home.My heart had been broken, and there is spaces left behind, there's no quick fix for me, not even forward rolling time. Rather than complete it with 'superficial filling', I choose to embrace it this way and walk my path taka style.So,as I returned home...I tried planning my dream madly, with years worth of thoughts and aspirations beginning to flow from me freely.But I still don't know what I am going to do with..1)the yahoo guys and 2) that BIG crafted paint tat i bought recently.I think i'm goin' to take a picture of that and load it here.I decided that the best thing for me to do today was to play some of my favorite songs and relish.So,I downloaded Holiday from Scorpions and played it fifty times.Took me back to those chilly Haflong concerts at CIH lawn.
Let me take you far away Youd like a holiday Let me take you far away Youd like a holiday
Exchange your troubles for some love Wherever you are Let me take you far away Youd like a holiday
Longing for the sun you will come To the island without name Longing for the sun be welcome On the island many miles away from home Be welcome on the island without name Longing for the sun you will come To the island many miles away from home
Its all over my head now.I have been told I am intense. My mind is always going and I am constantly receiving advice to "slow down," "stop running," and "relax." But I love my intensity .I know I am passionate and ridiculously silly at times. Bitching is my talent, and complaining is my hobby. And... I have loved an Asshole... He is my favorite. I've been told I am confident, yet intimidating. I would like to say I love people, but I think I rather choose who I love and who I receive love from. Someday,I would like to look like hindu Goddess idols.Or Ekta Kapoor's fighter aunties.
Oh ya...God has been gracious to have given me the luck to win tat 5 star Holiday in Sri Lanka or Goa.Something that I sort of deserve because nothing exciting has been happening in my life for some time now.I think when you are nice to people, you are rewarded.I remember filling that dumb survey out of pity because the rest of the crowd was too busy and proud to give attention to this chap who approached me with a feigned smile asking for just 2 mins of my time.And I had lots of them.
Dawn breaks...Snooze time now !
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Am just back from dinner and instead of fujitsu escalations I'm going to talk bout food now. Reason being, I did not have a great meal and its making me think if I should start attending cooking class.Everyone likes to cook meal in the house. Though all my friends know that I'm not particularly patient with the kitchen and I've never been known as the homely type, and i just know how to make a phone call and order butter chicken or boil rice in pressure cooker and fry bhindi or potato in oil.Last week, I picked up vegetables and food of all sorts but haven't cooked a bit.Now its partially because of my laziness but mainly because the whole system is so complicated and time consuming starting from washing the veggies, chopping, mixing the right masala and blah blah.Plus main course got to be rice or chappati which I cannot manage in my dreams. I wish the concept was simpler like loaf and salad .I tried one of those meals in the past, doesn't help , my system isn't used to bread..it craves rice and I feel hungry and eventually end up hitting the Indian aisle at cafeteria. Then I pick up naan or roti and dal and rice and spicy sabzee and sometimes butter chicken.At home , when i'm hungry I'll go for maggie or cup noodles instead of cool salad .Now tats bad isn't it ?
And looking at our regular life every day we are always tempted with food and drink. We like to eat, we entertain, we feed people. We have friends over, and say, “What can I get you to eat?” Somebody stops by, we break out the snacks. Run into a friend and they say, “Let’s do lunch.” People come to visit, we buy groceries.And somehow its taking me to Haflong's Bakery where they sell big loaf ( as they call it ) I've been missing that here in Delhi.
Of all the things that I'm most nostalgic bout , its the Haflong bakery..That soft and warm loaf with brown crust and small coloured raisin chunks. A big sandwich made out of that loaf mixed with some pork chops .....mmm am almost hungry again.Oh yea......I even miss the taste of Nunta....salty and crispy Nunta.... mixed with sesame seeds. And Apple Cookies.I kind of like it. It won't take the place in my favourites list, but I can see myself getting them again if I go home next.It has the shape of a flower with red colour in the centre.Very pretty.And yes ! not to forget every child's favourite crispy Lychi wrapped in transparent plastic.It is sweet, and contributes a nice texture.These are some of my nostalgia cookies. lol... Hmm... makes me want to visit Barman Bakery next time I go to Haflong. Imagine a Nunta with one of those lattes in Cafe Coffee Day.
Awww....my mental capabilities have started to peter out, but it's there. I wish I had leave balance and extra money to buy tickets to the Hills.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The paradoxes of life seem remote today as I sort of feel serious. Intellect seems to have finally worked perfectly .Information that I acquired seem more significant than ever, for I'm getting it all together and making sense of it. Downside: I am feeling a little nostalgic, wishing that old friends now far away could be there to share some beer. Www....Rohit hovering ...
