Down the memory lane…

Down the memory lane I have had beautiful friends around me who were solely responsible for the eidetic memory I have. The memories have been shedding gladness over the past.  I thought I would recollect my beautiful memories during my school days so that people can match it with all those you had in your lives.

This brought to mind an aspect of culture which I’ve experienced in Haflong. The culture brought about by rivalry.

I think it is safe to say that most schools have a rival. A school that is similar in terms of sports teams, or reach for the top competitors, or school size, or even just geographic area. Any time the rival schools compete, students come out in droves, dressed in uniform chanting school cheers. It brought the school together, with everyone hoping for the same outcome.

I grew up with this. The cheers still come to me readily 16 years after I passed out from St Agnes’. I remember full-school spirit days, travelling to rival schools or Cultural Institute Hall for contests or simply as part of a cheer squad to support St Agnes’. Every teacher and student got geared up for these meetings and made up part of who were we.

Why was our school better than our rival? It wasn't, necessarily, but we found reasons to be the better school, and we rallied around those reasons. There are only five schools in the league . Don Bosco High School, Govt Girls’ High School, CHT Synod, Govt Boys’ High School. Geographically, the nearest rival school was about 10 minutes .The next closest school, Govt Girls High School was about 20 minutes away, and the next one CHT Synod another 20 minutes, and Govt Boys High School about 30 minutes. We all had school spirit. And don’t get me wrong, we never lacked those regular interactions with a similar school to really get that rivalry going. We had created a good old-fashioned rivalry (and a healthy one, at that).  We were encouraged to foster friendly competition; with a hint of "can't wait until we face off against you again"

I realize that this isn't the only thing necessary to bring an entire school together in an over-arching demonstration of its culture. On Republic Day or Independence Day we would throng in the Roman Field and just glare at Don Bosco boys for no reason at all. The boys amused themselves by waiting for the girls to come out of the school wearing their 4 inches below the knee blue skirt and giggling. And of course, they loved whistling at us. It was just a boy thing I guess. And the girls felt good about themselves. St Agnes’ girls were prettier and daintier than the girls of Govt Girls High School or CHT Synod. 

The friendship formed during those years lasted until today. And I’m sure many school mates would agree that friendship formed in school is the best kind of friendship we will ever have in life.

We can still joke and nostalgically reminisce over high school sports tournament, inter school competitions, friends, secret slam book, making notes at Miss Bonner’s tuitions, and an overall celebration for the school years. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect school experience than at Haflong. And to show how much our little town understands and appreciates tradition and values.

Hello darling...

What we have, we don't want. What we want, we don't know. In the search for what we want we begin a journey....a journey of experiments with self and with people that come along. It almost becomes a cycle of hope and disappointments, till we accept this as a part of life. Then nothing matters but the journey, and the realization that you got to walk alone...make companions as we cross roads on the way....walk together, share laughter, till roads become different again. Some walk small, some walk long...in the end everything ends.

Fun is not in length, but in depth. But in search of length we forget to enjoy the depth.

We have the right to choose to make it the best thing that's happened to us or the worst. The ending of any relationship, is the opportunity for us to take back the power and energy and effort we gave others to make us happy.

Choose to be vulnerable because it's ok and it's a part of who we are.

We can't forgive others because we can forgive ourselves first.

An Impromptu Trip

I was exhausted. Emotions had built up in the last few months. As more and more time passed, I had less and less idea of where I was standing. But I was 90% certain that that I could stand on my own two feet, and stop relying on someone else for my happiness.

So, I packed my bag and headed to Goa to experience the new way of being that I hadn’t felt in some time. I saw the boats, wild flowers, puppies, a cat, got soaked in ocean, walked along the shore leaving footprints on sandy trails, watched orange sunset and lay on the beach bed in the night counting my blessings and embracing life and heartbreak. It is through our lowest points in life, where we gain wisdom. Without loss, we wouldn’t appreciate what we have, without grief we wouldn’t appreciate love.

I was so immersed in my surroundings. The time spent alone forced me to reflect on my life, my recent experiences and the direction things are headed. Some of the thoughts weren’t pleasant, but I’m stronger because of them. The distance made me appreciate people in my life, it was self-revealing and exhilarating. That being said, love always finds us, not when we are looking for it, but when we truly need it. 

Snapshots-

Lately I've been going on long walks. It's so magical. Walking has become my connection with the universe. I feel energized, inspired, relaxed and at peace.

It's like stepping and surrendering to the universe to allow things to unfold as they will. I needed that approach after my last unrewarding stint at CoCubes where I was guilty of spending too much time focusing on building a successful business trying to reach a type of success just for the sake of reaching it. But here's a shift in energy, because I am stepping up in a bigger way. Am I willing to do what it takes to make the difference? Am I ready to play the game for real? Well, I'm learning to say yes and no appropriately.

That means things need to get a little messy and unsteady first. That some things need to fall apart and burn to the ground to make space for what's next. And I'm willing, wholeheartedly committed, to walk through whatever is asked of me next.

Lovingly Yours,

Nilanjana

Happy Monsoon....

With monsoon arrival I saw the world and the people around rushing, pushing, driving, forcing itself to a destination and in the middle of all these I remained at peace through all the complexities and the compulsive need to move. My little Zeddie boy couldn't be any happier than to play in splashing water. We spent the Saturday afternoon feeling rain and chasing ball in the rain being perfectly content with our life. If there is anything I have learnt, it is to embrace the many gifts of nature- the ocean and it's glorious waves, the sound of rain, the wind blowing through our hair, the feeling of grass on our feet and to walk away with all beautiful stolen moments that belong to us and only us. And learning to be at peace, while surrounded by chaos.

Happiness is a way of life!

Mini Agnesian Travelogue

So last December I travelled to Jaipur. Saw that it has a different character from Delhi. I saw that it is a city for people who enjoy simplicity. Jaipur seems to have held on to the past and it's history with it's appearance. It has a rocky appearance but not a good place to eat if you are a non vegetarian. The town bursts with creativity from musicians to painters which makes the city buzz with energy. 

Take a look at pictures..

Goa...what do I say about Goa. Though I'm a girl who loves grass, I've also had my mind calmed by the solitude that a sandy beach offers. My eyes landed on the waves from sea and awed my mind in the wonders of the ocean. The light breeze kept me cool as I watched the sun set and the seemingly whispers of the waves washed my legs. I appreciated each layer of the wave as I realised I still have only explored a small part of this beautiful world. As much as I love exploring new places, life is meaningless without friends. I want to travel more and see more places. I know I might go completely broke, but at least I'll go broke seeing beautiful places and doing what I like.

I miss blogging and will try to do some posts whenever I can.

Dealing with an Asshole

There's this manipulative jerk who is getting away with abusing employees. He makes weird accusations, takes credit while redirecting blame, and trusts no one. At times it seems like he likes to create chaos or secrecy on purpose to keep team off balance so they never know what's going on. He never tells me I did a good job, but will come down on me for the slightest mistake. He likes to set people up to fail and is a psychopath with untreated mental condition. But then, there is nothing like an abusive workplace to make you think about what's important in life.

You tell me to swallow my pride?! Fuck you and GO TO HELL

Mama's Boy

The grown man who can't seem to make important life decisions without consulting his mummy. That grown man whose mother has such strong hold over him that it affects his personal relationships adversely. That grown man who needs mummy's approval for EVERYTHING...

Why are some men, "Mama's boys"? *Sigh*

In a nutshell...

Once again I've failed at keeping up with this blog. Well, today is Sunday and it’s a beautiful day here in Gurgaon. I've been busy! Between our clients, financial year end madness, dog stuff and then of course phone calls and video calls............life stays fun :)

Heera soi saraahiye

Sahe ghanan Ki choT

Kapat kurangee maanva

Parkhat nikra khot..

I had heard this song before, never knew the words but loved the melody I felt. Listening to this today and understanding each lyric broke my heart. I failed. I fail daily. We ALL fail daily. He loved his woman...........but he loved his creator as well. I just saw this and sobbed.

I know many people who think that loving someone means sitting around, holding hands and leading a perfect life. It's far from that, and yet envelops so much more as well. Life can be hard, people can be cruel, bad things happen.......but there is always a reason to go on. I can only hope that my time on earth is well spent. I want to love those in my life with all I have. I want to be that person without judgment. I should and can too.

In other interesting news, I was invited by a pet magazine to become a guest writer. I'll post more info when I get it. There are several exciting things that are 'in the works' for me......but I'm not one to count my eggs before they hatch, so more on that as it comes to fruition.

Ok, so yesterday we had a yearly business review meeting at work that lasted all day. WOW! I was overwhelmed at how all of us took off our goals and responsibilities and gotten through. C3 is a great group of folks to work with. We are excited to see where things go from here, and we are prepared for whatever the new financial year has for us and continue to impact the life of every student in our country.

This is my life in a nutshell!

My 2 year old Zed is truly bonded with me. He nestles right up to me, sticks his head on the pillow and paws at my hand until I put the blanket over him.

See that picture there ? It's one of my favorite.I was sixteen then.Star toggle clasp.These are my oldest friends.Pinky, Mini,Kimshain ,Dilira and Me.We were brilliant..Hahah ! Just kidding !

I need time to let out the tears and to heal now from the effect of sisterhood traveling pants.

Surviving suberbs

The thing I miss the most about South Delhi is living close to friends and the amount of hours we would spend in Barista, sipping lattes and contemplating the finer things in life. Spending countless hours talking about finer things  in life was always incredibly therapeutic for this wandering heart of mine and off late I've been missing SDA like crazy.  

The weather is pleasant today. And I am trying to give Gurgaon a fair chance; I thought very carefully before deciding to move here, but there is no denying that I am struggling immensely to accept this place.For now, I am just trying my hardest to live in the moment, take note of the fragmented beauty each new day holds and keep them tucked safely in my pocket for the harder days.There was a reason I came...

I know that my ability to give all of my heart to my job and not emotionally exhaust myself comes with having a happy balance of life outside of work. And I've been putting forth a more conscious effort on walking Zed in the evening, exploring new shops and restaurants in my neighborhood. Life in suburb is getting a little easier. :)

On that note, let me tell you I have constant cravings for incredibly domesticated desires now. I have the ability to cook good meals, sew cushion cover and have potted plants and flowers. 

Sharing a snapshot.

Being NT

It’s one of those days when I remain indifferently unimpressed, and completely dissatisfied. What do I expect? It seems like I have started to chase something outwardly that could only be found within. It seems like I have forgotten to be observant and accepting like I first was upon arriving in Delhi 11 years ago. Something has definitely changed and it would be naive for me to blame my environment instead of looking inwards and trying to understand the issue. Or perhaps I should just LIVE. Because in the end it’s up to me to create my own piece of paradise within. It’s never lost, only obscured.

From Jaggery Village (Gurgaon)....

I was 25 when I started this blog. I am 32 now.

Four years ago, I was going through a difficult time, fighting illness that almost took my life...feeling incredibly isolated from the world that I created for myself.Now? Currently, living in Gurgaon.With my dog, Zed and back in business. I can say I am finally at a place where I am enjoying my life again(touch-wood).

It's weird thinking of how much has changed in the last few years. It's hard.This blog has seen me through my bitchiest self, worst breakup, happy ramblings, grief and lots more. Probably if I had more time, I would have a more substantial blog with more dynamic posts but I'm happy as it is.

I want to thank all the people who have helped and supported me throughout the years I have been rattling on, and those who are continually in my life day by day.

There are a few things up my sleeve! But that will happen in a few weeks hopefully.
Check out Zed's pic for now.

At this stage of my life...

To anyone who may be still reading this blog, I apologize for my lapse in writing. Facebook has taken away all my blogging time. Many things have happened. The summary is that life changes quickly and right when you think things are calming down they often don’t. Sometimes, the best anyone can do is leave the pieces and move the fuck on.

And that is just what I’m doing here at Gautam Nagar.

Over New Year vacation, I went to Haflong, where some of my oldest friends still live. There I discovered that I was oblivious of dislike that certain people had for me. It was devastating to step back and look at the situation. Like,when someone hits your car, there is no in between moment. One moment you are minding your own business and the next moment your world is slightly altered. It had a profound impact and I doubt I will ever forget it. A gun goes off, life changes…you react.

At this stage of my life, I’m not single. I am seeing someone who impressed the heck out of me. He is a gentle doctor with glasses and beautiful nose. And an introvert who allows me a surprising amount of freedom. It was a decision I had been putting off for years. But now I think, relationship is an interesting endeavor. You have someone to depend on to make rational decisions. And I’m happy.

In January, I adopted a stray dog. I named him Zed and he is this fascinating little creature with so much energy. Coming from a street, he needed health examination, vaccines and training. I think, this is just the beginning. I am amazed at how terrible and wonderful intensive times with a dog can be. His demands and whines stretch me to points where I am sure I must snap…and then I don’t … and I’m amazed. Sometimes he’ll just curl up and sleep on or around me, I listen to him breathe, stroke is head, and perform as a human pillow. It is, in every sense, the best of times.

This past month, I ceaselessly cleaned up Zed poop and piss, gave him bath, walked around and screamed every time he nibbled or chewed my shoes. But I realize in all the pain, there is growth and bond too.

Will post a photo of me and Zed in my apartment when I've transferred them from my phone to PC.And that is all for now. I will post whenever I can.

Shifting my focus away from that thing missing to make my life“perfect” by some imaginary standard, and embracing all of it that I can.The most important bit of it, is letting go of the dangerous, esteem crushing concept that I can change life at the whim of my consciousness. Being more kind....taking a deep breath and accepting where I am in this delicate, infinite process of expansion and growth. Being excited for the gain, not disappointed for the smallness of the step. 

What I'm trying to say here is that I am going to get myself off the hook, forgive myself for being human and loving a douche-bag again and again. I know i do it. And feeling around in a never ending circle of ego-fueled projections.

After all life is a beautiful struggle! 

The world is layered with awesome details that make it feel interesting and original. 

WOW! May 2012, here you are. The month of my 30th Birthday.And my anxiety is beginning to climb.

"Holy shit! I am 30.I do not own a home.I am not driving a BMW, nor can I even afford to buy a new car.And I am just sitting here, in the middle of Castleville, barely able to support myself and just hoping that my boyfriend will marry me soon.Fuck. This is NOT what I thought I would be doing at 30.

I often wonder at mankind. I marvel at the complexity with which we as human beings are comprised. We are not simple, but we are. All we want is love and the basics of life. Yet, we are driven so often by so many unseen factors that we don’t recognize that we are just looking for the simple things.

Sometimes I ponder what lies behind my own thoughts and actions. I wonder what is motivating me to make these choices, say these words, and act upon them. What makes me talk about things I would rather not? I have not yet begun to discover all of who I am, let alone say I have one little piece of the market on knowing others. I imagine that I will not wholly know myself by the time my life is complete, but I am willing to find out what I’m made of between here and there. I know that I will find out unpleasant things, but I so desire to find the good, shine it up, and share it. Although things may never be what they seem, I want to be honest, real, and good. Even if I don’t know what’s coming ‘round the bend.

Puri on my mind. HAH!