From Jaggery Village (Gurgaon)....

I was 25 when I started this blog. I am 32 now.

Four years ago, I was going through a difficult time, fighting illness that almost took my life...feeling incredibly isolated from the world that I created for myself.Now? Currently, living in Gurgaon.With my dog, Zed and back in business. I can say I am finally at a place where I am enjoying my life again(touch-wood).

It's weird thinking of how much has changed in the last few years. It's hard.This blog has seen me through my bitchiest self, worst breakup, happy ramblings, grief and lots more. Probably if I had more time, I would have a more substantial blog with more dynamic posts but I'm happy as it is.

I want to thank all the people who have helped and supported me throughout the years I have been rattling on, and those who are continually in my life day by day.

There are a few things up my sleeve! But that will happen in a few weeks hopefully.
Check out Zed's pic for now.

At this stage of my life...

To anyone who may be still reading this blog, I apologize for my lapse in writing. Facebook has taken away all my blogging time. Many things have happened. The summary is that life changes quickly and right when you think things are calming down they often don’t. Sometimes, the best anyone can do is leave the pieces and move the fuck on.

And that is just what I’m doing here at Gautam Nagar.

Over New Year vacation, I went to Haflong, where some of my oldest friends still live. There I discovered that I was oblivious of dislike that certain people had for me. It was devastating to step back and look at the situation. Like,when someone hits your car, there is no in between moment. One moment you are minding your own business and the next moment your world is slightly altered. It had a profound impact and I doubt I will ever forget it. A gun goes off, life changes…you react.

At this stage of my life, I’m not single. I am seeing someone who impressed the heck out of me. He is a gentle doctor with glasses and beautiful nose. And an introvert who allows me a surprising amount of freedom. It was a decision I had been putting off for years. But now I think, relationship is an interesting endeavor. You have someone to depend on to make rational decisions. And I’m happy.

In January, I adopted a stray dog. I named him Zed and he is this fascinating little creature with so much energy. Coming from a street, he needed health examination, vaccines and training. I think, this is just the beginning. I am amazed at how terrible and wonderful intensive times with a dog can be. His demands and whines stretch me to points where I am sure I must snap…and then I don’t … and I’m amazed. Sometimes he’ll just curl up and sleep on or around me, I listen to him breathe, stroke is head, and perform as a human pillow. It is, in every sense, the best of times.

This past month, I ceaselessly cleaned up Zed poop and piss, gave him bath, walked around and screamed every time he nibbled or chewed my shoes. But I realize in all the pain, there is growth and bond too.

Will post a photo of me and Zed in my apartment when I've transferred them from my phone to PC.And that is all for now. I will post whenever I can.

Shifting my focus away from that thing missing to make my life“perfect” by some imaginary standard, and embracing all of it that I can.The most important bit of it, is letting go of the dangerous, esteem crushing concept that I can change life at the whim of my consciousness. Being more kind....taking a deep breath and accepting where I am in this delicate, infinite process of expansion and growth. Being excited for the gain, not disappointed for the smallness of the step. 

What I'm trying to say here is that I am going to get myself off the hook, forgive myself for being human and loving a douche-bag again and again. I know i do it. And feeling around in a never ending circle of ego-fueled projections.

After all life is a beautiful struggle! 

The world is layered with awesome details that make it feel interesting and original. 

WOW! May 2012, here you are. The month of my 30th Birthday.And my anxiety is beginning to climb.

"Holy shit! I am 30.I do not own a home.I am not driving a BMW, nor can I even afford to buy a new car.And I am just sitting here, in the middle of Castleville, barely able to support myself and just hoping that my boyfriend will marry me soon.Fuck. This is NOT what I thought I would be doing at 30.

I often wonder at mankind. I marvel at the complexity with which we as human beings are comprised. We are not simple, but we are. All we want is love and the basics of life. Yet, we are driven so often by so many unseen factors that we don’t recognize that we are just looking for the simple things.

Sometimes I ponder what lies behind my own thoughts and actions. I wonder what is motivating me to make these choices, say these words, and act upon them. What makes me talk about things I would rather not? I have not yet begun to discover all of who I am, let alone say I have one little piece of the market on knowing others. I imagine that I will not wholly know myself by the time my life is complete, but I am willing to find out what I’m made of between here and there. I know that I will find out unpleasant things, but I so desire to find the good, shine it up, and share it. Although things may never be what they seem, I want to be honest, real, and good. Even if I don’t know what’s coming ‘round the bend.

Puri on my mind. HAH!

From La la Land

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder, “Is this mine? If so, how did I end up here? What am I doing? How has all this stuff gone on?” Some days I feel like I’ve lived a life that you read about in books.

I never thought about it until a few days ago. Someone pointed out to me some beautiful things that I’ve forgotten about. It’s funny how sometimes it takes someone else appreciating the life you’ve lived to make you realize how appreciative you could and should be. Not like that sort of pressure that says “Look how lucky you are, you ungrateful being you,” but something more along the lines of “Wow, how incredible is that for you! You are so blessed!”

I am blessed. I have lived a life that some people only imagine. I have a family who loves and cares for me. Sometimes I forget that; especially, on those days when I’m feeling selfish or annoyed at them. I have someone special whose smile makes me smile at the slightest thought of it and whose destiny is so big that I can’t help but be amazed at him.

I got my heart broken and learned to love again.I look around my memory in wonderment. I recall places I’ve been and people I’ve met as if I had read them, like events written in black letters on parchment or imagined as though they were characters in a movie I’ve seen. But none of these things were made up. All of them happened to me. Each and every one. I’m glad my friend pointed this out, however unknowingly. For that, I am truly thankful.