My 2 year old Zed is truly bonded with me. He nestles right up to me, sticks his head on the pillow and paws at my hand until I put the blanket over him.

See that picture there ? It's one of my favorite.I was sixteen then.Star toggle clasp.These are my oldest friends.Pinky, Mini,Kimshain ,Dilira and Me.We were brilliant..Hahah ! Just kidding !

I need time to let out the tears and to heal now from the effect of sisterhood traveling pants.

Surviving suberbs

The thing I miss the most about South Delhi is living close to friends and the amount of hours we would spend in Barista, sipping lattes and contemplating the finer things in life. Spending countless hours talking about finer things  in life was always incredibly therapeutic for this wandering heart of mine and off late I've been missing SDA like crazy.  

The weather is pleasant today. And I am trying to give Gurgaon a fair chance; I thought very carefully before deciding to move here, but there is no denying that I am struggling immensely to accept this place.For now, I am just trying my hardest to live in the moment, take note of the fragmented beauty each new day holds and keep them tucked safely in my pocket for the harder days.There was a reason I came...

I know that my ability to give all of my heart to my job and not emotionally exhaust myself comes with having a happy balance of life outside of work. And I've been putting forth a more conscious effort on walking Zed in the evening, exploring new shops and restaurants in my neighborhood. Life in suburb is getting a little easier. :)

On that note, let me tell you I have constant cravings for incredibly domesticated desires now. I have the ability to cook good meals, sew cushion cover and have potted plants and flowers. 

Sharing a snapshot.

Being NT

It’s one of those days when I remain indifferently unimpressed, and completely dissatisfied. What do I expect? It seems like I have started to chase something outwardly that could only be found within. It seems like I have forgotten to be observant and accepting like I first was upon arriving in Delhi 11 years ago. Something has definitely changed and it would be naive for me to blame my environment instead of looking inwards and trying to understand the issue. Or perhaps I should just LIVE. Because in the end it’s up to me to create my own piece of paradise within. It’s never lost, only obscured.

From Jaggery Village (Gurgaon)....

I was 25 when I started this blog. I am 32 now.

Four years ago, I was going through a difficult time, fighting illness that almost took my life...feeling incredibly isolated from the world that I created for myself.Now? Currently, living in Gurgaon.With my dog, Zed and back in business. I can say I am finally at a place where I am enjoying my life again(touch-wood).

It's weird thinking of how much has changed in the last few years. It's hard.This blog has seen me through my bitchiest self, worst breakup, happy ramblings, grief and lots more. Probably if I had more time, I would have a more substantial blog with more dynamic posts but I'm happy as it is.

I want to thank all the people who have helped and supported me throughout the years I have been rattling on, and those who are continually in my life day by day.

There are a few things up my sleeve! But that will happen in a few weeks hopefully.
Check out Zed's pic for now.

At this stage of my life...

To anyone who may be still reading this blog, I apologize for my lapse in writing. Facebook has taken away all my blogging time. Many things have happened. The summary is that life changes quickly and right when you think things are calming down they often don’t. Sometimes, the best anyone can do is leave the pieces and move the fuck on.

And that is just what I’m doing here at Gautam Nagar.

Over New Year vacation, I went to Haflong, where some of my oldest friends still live. There I discovered that I was oblivious of dislike that certain people had for me. It was devastating to step back and look at the situation. Like,when someone hits your car, there is no in between moment. One moment you are minding your own business and the next moment your world is slightly altered. It had a profound impact and I doubt I will ever forget it. A gun goes off, life changes…you react.

At this stage of my life, I’m not single. I am seeing someone who impressed the heck out of me. He is a gentle doctor with glasses and beautiful nose. And an introvert who allows me a surprising amount of freedom. It was a decision I had been putting off for years. But now I think, relationship is an interesting endeavor. You have someone to depend on to make rational decisions. And I’m happy.

In January, I adopted a stray dog. I named him Zed and he is this fascinating little creature with so much energy. Coming from a street, he needed health examination, vaccines and training. I think, this is just the beginning. I am amazed at how terrible and wonderful intensive times with a dog can be. His demands and whines stretch me to points where I am sure I must snap…and then I don’t … and I’m amazed. Sometimes he’ll just curl up and sleep on or around me, I listen to him breathe, stroke is head, and perform as a human pillow. It is, in every sense, the best of times.

This past month, I ceaselessly cleaned up Zed poop and piss, gave him bath, walked around and screamed every time he nibbled or chewed my shoes. But I realize in all the pain, there is growth and bond too.

Will post a photo of me and Zed in my apartment when I've transferred them from my phone to PC.And that is all for now. I will post whenever I can.

Shifting my focus away from that thing missing to make my life“perfect” by some imaginary standard, and embracing all of it that I can.The most important bit of it, is letting go of the dangerous, esteem crushing concept that I can change life at the whim of my consciousness. Being more kind....taking a deep breath and accepting where I am in this delicate, infinite process of expansion and growth. Being excited for the gain, not disappointed for the smallness of the step. 

What I'm trying to say here is that I am going to get myself off the hook, forgive myself for being human and loving a douche-bag again and again. I know i do it. And feeling around in a never ending circle of ego-fueled projections.

After all life is a beautiful struggle!