And I thought, maybe he hasn't really gone away. Maybe he is still here in heart even though it doesn't feel like it most of the time. As if that affection of his that was so bright and hot will come back.

If only it could stay like that. If only we could go out occasionally and flirt and fondle while the the music plays on full moon, and that it could make me feel good and warm and forgetful, and then we could go our separate ways and the night would just vaporize into pleasant memories.And I keep replaying all the pleasant memories in my head, because after all the agony I experienced in the last six months, it felt so good to have him actually want to be close to me.And to have him put his arm around me.

And in the middle of all these,there is nothing like getting some stressful call from an undefined person I had been dealing with.He had the balls to ask me if I made out with Sam.And later to suggest that I see a psychiatrist.I think guys can sense when a woman is unavailable -like dogs can sense fear.

Sam used to say,maybe he's a wolf who was preying on me in my most vulnerable time.When someone puts their arm around you as you walk down the street, it feels loving and protective.So much that o forget that maybe all they want to do is fuck you.And it's not even a question of whether he's a good person or not, of if he can be a boyfriend or not, because even if he could be, he wouldn't be a good boyfriend for me, despite this small favors and loving actions which endures me. Which is the whole reason I wont let it get far, but WHATEVER.I'm aware that I'm doing is silly and dangerous.

So, go away now,I don't want you. How could you think I ever did? And that we even connect and blah blah blah.All that you did was pretend like you were my supporter in bad times.And emotionally wretched that I am, I fell for your one liners that mean crap to me.
Just go. away.
You're valueless. You're not priceless. You're zero.
Loser.
Failure.
Loser.

Big fucking loser.

Go the fuck away.

Let me off.