Wednesday, April 2, 2008
We at one point actually used to like each other. It seems hard to believe now - given how I feel like a bollywood actress whenever I think of him.
When I last saw him he didn’t even afford me a proper goodbye. Not even one to recognise the intense rollercoaster of guilt, empathy, addictions, lies, truths, laughs, insights, debates, lessons, that I had experienced with this person.
He used to take me and love me because he couldn’t stop thinking about it and neither could I. But it was for different reasons. I actually cared about him and it made me feel alive. It was the most rebellious experiences I had.Maybe I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I once asked him, why ? Why pick me to use as your vehicle. If it’s all about him, then why do I feel so bad? His answer contained something about being able to trust me. Funnily enough it was his lack of trust in me that seemed to signal the end of his faith in me as a decent person.
If he actually did think highly of me then why does this person choose not to have anything to do with me? Am I really that evil? Am I really that much of a bad reminder of HIS problems? Or am I a reminder of MY problems? The times I used to cry because the feeling wouldn’t go away.
I know I should have stopped it, but I didn’t, I didn’t know.
I wasn’t the cause of his problems. I was a witness to some of them. I was part of some of them. But I didn’t cause them.
I WASN’T THE CAUSE OF THEM - I want to shout.
I stood by him. I listened, I offered assistance in ways I only knew how. I defended him against critics that told me I should know better. I lost respect and face from people. I lost friendships. I honestly believed in him.
He once told me that I was a person of honesty and character & that was a rare quality in people these days. He used to joke with me as to whether I was a good or bad girl. It was how it started.
He also once told me that it was like I had battered wife syndrome - that I kept coming back for more even though he’d pull me down time and time again.
Enough seems enough. He said enough was enough many moons ago. He is much stronger than me - much more disciplined. His discipline always made me feel inferior, like I was weak. I’m sure that’s how he saw me. But I don’t see me that way.
How could a simple friendship based on humour turn out to make me feel this way?
I AM A GOOD GIRL!! And I don’t want to feel like this anymore.It's hard.