Monday, October 24, 2016

Down the memory lane…

Down the memory lane I have had beautiful friends around me who were solely responsible for the eidetic memory I have. The memories have been shedding gladness over the past.  I thought I would recollect my beautiful memories during my school days so that people can match it with all those you had in your lives.

This brought to mind an aspect of culture which I’ve experienced in Haflong. The culture brought about by rivalry.

I think it is safe to say that most schools have a rival. A school that is similar in terms of sports teams, or reach for the top competitors, or school size, or even just geographic area. Any time the rival schools compete, students come out in droves, dressed in uniform chanting school cheers. It brought the school together, with everyone hoping for the same outcome.

I grew up with this. The cheers still come to me readily 16 years after I passed out from St Agnes’. I remember full-school spirit days, travelling to rival schools or Cultural Institute Hall for contests or simply as part of a cheer squad to support St Agnes’. Every teacher and student got geared up for these meetings and made up part of who were we.

Why was our school better than our rival? It wasn't, necessarily, but we found reasons to be the better school, and we rallied around those reasons. There are only five schools in the league . Don Bosco High School, Govt Girls’ High School, CHT Synod, Govt Boys’ High School. Geographically, the nearest rival school was about 10 minutes .The next closest school, Govt Girls High School was about 20 minutes away, and the next one CHT Synod another 20 minutes, and Govt Boys High School about 30 minutes. We all had school spirit. And don’t get me wrong, we never lacked those regular interactions with a similar school to really get that rivalry going. We had created a good old-fashioned rivalry (and a healthy one, at that).  We were encouraged to foster friendly competition; with a hint of "can't wait until we face off against you again"

I realize that this isn't the only thing necessary to bring an entire school together in an over-arching demonstration of its culture. On Republic Day or Independence Day we would throng in the Roman Field and just glare at Don Bosco boys for no reason at all. The boys amused themselves by waiting for the girls to come out of the school wearing their 4 inches below the knee blue skirt and giggling. And of course, they loved whistling at us. It was just a boy thing I guess. And the girls felt good about themselves. St Agnes’ girls were prettier and daintier than the girls of Govt Girls High School or CHT Synod. 

The friendship formed during those years lasted until today. And I’m sure many school mates would agree that friendship formed in school is the best kind of friendship we will ever have in life.

We can still joke and nostalgically reminisce over high school sports tournament, inter school competitions, friends, secret slam book, making notes at Miss Bonner’s tuitions, and an overall celebration for the school years. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect school experience than at Haflong. And to show how much our little town understands and appreciates tradition and values.


Sunday, September 4, 2016

Hello darling...

What we have, we don't want. What we want, we don't know. In the search for what we want we begin a journey....a journey of experiments with self and with people that come along. It almost becomes a cycle of hope and disappointments, till we accept this as a part of life. Then nothing matters but the journey, and the realization that you got to walk alone...make companions as we cross roads on the way....walk together, share laughter, till roads become different again. Some walk small, some walk long...in the end everything ends.

Fun is not in length, but in depth. But in search of length we forget to enjoy the depth.


:)

Monday, August 29, 2016

We have the right to choose to make it the best thing that's happened to us or the worst. The ending of any relationship, is the opportunity for us to take back the power and energy and effort we gave others to make us happy.

Choose to be vulnerable because it's ok and it's a part of who we are.

We can't forgive others because we can't forgive ourselves first.


Friday, April 8, 2016

An Impromptu Trip

I was exhausted. Emotions had built up in the last few months. As more and more time passed, I had less and less idea of where I was standing. But I was 90% certain that that I could stand on my own two feet, and stop relying on someone else for my happiness.
So, I packed my bag and headed to Goa to experience the new way of being that I hadn’t felt in some time. I saw the boats, wild flowers, puppies, a cat, got soaked in ocean, walked along the shore leaving footprints on sandy trails, watched orange sunset and lay on the beach bed in the night counting my blessings and embracing life and heartbreak. It is through our lowest points in life, where we gain wisdom. Without loss, we wouldn’t appreciate what we have, without grief we wouldn’t appreciate love.
I was so immersed in my surroundings. The time spent alone forced me to reflect on my life, my recent experiences and the direction things are headed. Some of the thoughts weren’t pleasant, but I’m stronger because of them. The distance made me appreciate people in my life, it was self-revealing and exhilarating. That being said, love always finds us, not when we are looking for it, but when we truly need it. 

Snapshots-


Monday, February 8, 2016

Triggered

Am I jumping to conclusions too quickly? Have I made myself clear about my needs to him? Have I been unfairly expectant of them to just understand on their own? Or am I just trying to run away? Am I trying to justify my baseless excuses to get out of this? Have I done everything in my power to save this relationship? Have I taken note of what he is doing to save us?Are my fears concerning us even realistic? Are my issues solvable? Has all this happened before? Am I repeating my mistakes all over again?Is someone influencing my views on our relationship?Am I being true to myself? What was the reason I fell for him in the first place? Is it still a valid reason to be with him? Why am I in it in the first place? Do I see a long term potential in us? Does it really matter? Do we have trust issues? Do I love him? Even a little bit?Do I want to break away from this  person and destroy every link that we put to keep us together? Do I pretend that it never existed. 

Sometimes, it can be quite a struggle convincing myself that my fleeting heart is happy. 

Thank you Storypick.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Lately I've been going on long walks. It's so magical. Walking has become my connection with the universe. I feel energized, inspired, relaxed and at peace.

It's like stepping and surrendering to the universe to allow things to unfold as they will. I needed that approach after my last unrewarding stint at CoCubes where I was guilty of spending too much time focusing on building a successful business trying to reach a type of success just for the sake of reaching it. But here's a shift in energy, because I am stepping up in a bigger way. Am I willing to do what it takes to make the difference? Am I ready to play the game for real? Well, I'm learning to say yes and no appropriately.

That means things need to get a little messy and unsteady first. That some things need to fall apart and burn to the ground to make space for what's next. And I'm willing, wholeheartedly committed, to walk through whatever is asked of me next.

Lovingly Yours,
Nilanjana

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I was doing really well with the whole 'being indifferent' thing.  Then for some reason, I’m hit by mild insomnia and mood swing and started on this really bad track and wanting things to be different.

I keep telling myself this in hopes that at some point it will eventually sink in, and I will finally, fully and completely realize that twin flames aren't meant to be together. And these are countered with the thoughts of how it all just doesn’t add up. It's the little things that I'm remembering that's making me mushy.

Let what is meant to be, be.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Happy Monsoon....

With monsoon arrival I saw the world and the people around rushing, pushing, driving, forcing itself to a destination and in the middle of all these I remained at peace through all the complexities and the compulsive need to move. My little Zeddie boy couldn't be any happier than to play in splashing water. We spent the Saturday afternoon feeling rain and chasing ball in the rain being perfectly content with our life. If there is anything I have learnt, it is to embrace the many gifts of nature- the ocean and it's glorious waves, the sound of rain, the wind blowing through our hair, the feeling of grass on our feet and to walk away with all beautiful stolen moments that belong to us and only us. And learning to be at peace, while surrounded by chaos.

Happiness is a way of life!


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Mini Agnesian Travelogue

So last December I travelled to Jaipur. Saw that it has a different character from Delhi. I saw that it is a city for people who enjoy simplicity. Jaipur seems to have held on to the past and it's history with it's appearance. It has a rocky appearance but not a good place to eat if you are a non vegetarian. The town bursts with creativity from musicians to painters which makes the city buzz with energy. 

Take a look at pictures..







Goa...what do I say about Goa. Though I'm a girl who loves grass, I've also had my mind calmed by the solitude that a sandy beach offers. My eyes landed on the waves from sea and awed my mind in the wonders of the ocean. The light breeze kept me cool as I watched the sun set and the seemingly whispers of the waves washed my legs. I appreciated each layer of the wave as I realised I still have only explored a small part of this beautiful world. As much as I love exploring new places, life is meaningless without friends. I want to travel more and see more places. I know I might go completely broke, but at least I'll go broke seeing beautiful places and doing what I like.




I miss blogging and will try to do some posts whenever I can.


Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Dealing with an Asshole

There's this manipulative jerk who is getting away with abusing employees. He makes weird accusations, takes credit while redirecting blame, and trusts no one. At times it seems like he likes to create chaos or secrecy on purpose to keep team off balance so they never know what's going on. He never tells me I did a good job, but will come down on me for the slightest mistake. He likes to set people up to fail and is a psychopath with untreated mental condition. But then, there is nothing like an abusive workplace to make you think about what's important in life.

You tell me to swallow my pride?! Fuck you and GO TO HELL

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Mama's Boy


The grown man who can't seem to make important life decisions without consulting his mummy. That grown man whose mother has such strong hold over him that it affects his personal relationships adversely. That grown man who needs mummy's approval for EVERYTHING...

Why are some men, "Mama's boys"? *Sigh*


Sunday, April 5, 2015

In a nutshell...

Once again I've failed at keeping up with this blog. Well, today is Sunday and it’s a beautiful day here in Gurgaon. I've been busy! Between our clients, financial year end madness, dog stuff and then of course phone calls and video calls............life stays fun :)

Heera soi saraahiye

Sahe ghanan Ki choT

Kapat kurangee maanva
Parkhat nikra khot..




I had heard this song before, never knew the words but loved the melody I felt. Listening to this today and understanding each lyric broke my heart. I failed. I fail daily. We ALL fail daily. He loved his woman...........but he loved his creator as well. I just saw this and sobbed.

I know many people who think that loving someone means sitting around, holding hands and leading a perfect life. It's far from that, and yet envelops so much more as well. Life can be hard, people can be cruel, bad things happen.......but there is always a reason to go on. I can only hope that my time on earth is well spent. I want to love those in my life with all I have. I want to be that person without judgment. I should and can too.

In other interesting news, I was invited by a pet magazine to become a guest writer. I'll post more info when I get it. There are several exciting things that are 'in the works' for me......but I'm not one to count my eggs before they hatch, so more on that as it comes to fruition.

Ok, so yesterday we had a yearly business review meeting at work that lasted all day. WOW! I was overwhelmed at how all of us took off our goals and responsibilities and gotten through. C3 is a great group of folks to work with. We are excited to see where things go from here, and we are prepared for whatever the new financial year has for us and continue to impact the life of every student in our country.




This is my life in a nutshell!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

My 2 year old Zed is truly bonded with me. He nestles right up to me, sticks his head on the pillow and paws at my hand until I put the blanket over him.

Friday, August 15, 2014



See that picture there ? It's one of my favorite.I was sixteen then.Star toggle clasp.These are my oldest friends.Pinky, Mini,Kimshain ,Dilira and Me.We were brilliant..Hahah ! Just kidding !

I need time to let out the tears and to heal now from the effect of sisterhood traveling pants.




Surviving suberbs

The thing I miss the most about South Delhi is living close to friends and the amount of hours we would spend in Barista, sipping lattes and contemplating the finer things in life. Spending countless hours talking about finer things  in life was always incredibly therapeutic for this wandering heart of mine and off late I've been missing SDA like crazy.  

The weather is pleasant today. And I am trying to give Gurgaon a fair chance; I thought very carefully before deciding to move here, but there is no denying that I am struggling immensely to accept this place.For now, I am just trying my hardest to live in the moment, take note of the fragmented beauty each new day holds and keep them tucked safely in my pocket for the harder days.There was a reason I came...

I know that my ability to give all of my heart to my job and not emotionally exhaust myself comes with having a happy balance of life outside of work. And I've been putting forth a more conscious effort on walking Zed in the evening, exploring new shops and restaurants in my neighborhood. Life in suburb is getting a little easier. :)

On that note, let me tell you I have constant cravings for incredibly domesticated desires now. I have the ability to cook good meals, sew cushion cover and have potted plants and flowers. 


Sharing a snapshot.


Sunday, July 27, 2014

Being NT

It’s one of those days when I remain indifferently unimpressed, and completely dissatisfied. What do I expect? It seems like I have started to chase something outwardly that could only be found within. It seems like I have forgotten to be observant and accepting like I first was upon arriving in Delhi 11 years ago. Something has definitely changed and it would be naive for me to blame my environment instead of looking inwards and trying to understand the issue. Or perhaps I should just LIVE. Because in the end it’s up to me to create my own piece of paradise within. It’s never lost, only obscured.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

From Jaggery Village (Gurgaon)....

I was 25 when I started this blog. I am 32 now.

Four years ago, I was going through a difficult time, fighting illness that almost took my life...feeling incredibly isolated from the world that I created for myself.Now? Currently, living in Gurgaon.With my dog, Zed and back in business. I can say I am finally at a place where I am enjoying my life again(touch-wood).

It's weird thinking of how much has changed in the last few years. It's hard.This blog has seen me through my bitchiest self, worst breakup, happy ramblings, grief and lots more. Probably if I had more time, I would have a more substantial blog with more dynamic posts but I'm happy as it is.

I want to thank all the people who have helped and supported me throughout the years I have been rattling on, and those who are continually in my life day by day.

There are a few things up my sleeve! But that will happen in a few weeks hopefully.
Check out Zed's pic for now.


Thursday, March 28, 2013

At this stage of my life...



To anyone who may be still reading this blog, I apologize for my lapse in writing. Facebook has taken away all my blogging time. Many things have happened. The summary is that life changes quickly and right when you think things are calming down they often don’t. Sometimes, the best anyone can do is leave the pieces and move the fuck on.

And that is just what I’m doing here at Gautam Nagar.

Over New Year vacation, I went to Haflong, where some of my oldest friends still live. There I discovered that I was oblivious of dislike that certain people had for me. It was devastating to step back and look at the situation. Like,when someone hits your car, there is no in between moment. One moment you are minding your own business and the next moment your world is slightly altered. It had a profound impact and I doubt I will ever forget it. A gun goes off, life changes…you react.

At this stage of my life, I’m not single. I am seeing someone who impressed the heck out of me. He is a gentle doctor with glasses and beautiful nose. And an introvert who allows me a surprising amount of freedom. It was a decision I had been putting off for years. But now I think, relationship is an interesting endeavor. You have someone to depend on to make rational decisions. And I’m happy.

In January, I adopted a stray dog. I named him Zed and he is this fascinating little creature with so much energy. Coming from a street, he needed health examination, vaccines and training. I think, this is just the beginning. I am amazed at how terrible and wonderful intensive times with a dog can be. His demands and whines stretch me to points where I am sure I must snap…and then I don’t … and I’m amazed. Sometimes he’ll just curl up and sleep on or around me, I listen to him breathe, stroke is head, and perform as a human pillow. It is, in every sense, the best of times.

This past month, I ceaselessly cleaned up Zed poop and piss, gave him bath, walked around and screamed every time he nibbled or chewed my shoes. But I realize in all the pain, there is growth and bond too.

Will post a photo of me and Zed in my apartment when I've transferred them from my phone to PC.And that is all for now. I will post whenever I can.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Shifting my focus away from that thing missing to make my life“perfect” by some imaginary standard, and embracing all of it that I can.The most important bit of it, is letting go of the dangerous, esteem crushing concept that I can change life at the whim of my consciousness. Being more kind....taking a deep breath and accepting where I am in this delicate, infinite process of expansion and growth. Being excited for the gain, not disappointed for the smallness of the step. 

What I'm trying to say here is that I am going to get myself off the hook, forgive myself for being human and loving a douche-bag again and again. I know i do it. And feeling around in a never ending circle of ego-fueled projections.


After all life is a beautiful struggle! 

The world is layered with awesome details that make it feel interesting and original. 









Friday, May 4, 2012

WOW! May 2012, here you are. The month of my 30th Birthday.And my anxiety is beginning to climb.

"Holy shit! I am 30.I do not own a home.I am not driving a BMW, nor can I even afford to buy a new car.And I am just sitting here, in the middle of Castleville, barely able to support myself and just hoping that my boyfriend will marry me soon.Fuck. This is NOT what I thought I would be doing at 30.

Monday, February 6, 2012


I often wonder at mankind. I marvel at the complexity with which we as human beings are comprised. We are not simple, but we are. All we want is love and the basics of life. Yet, we are driven so often by so many unseen factors that we don’t recognize that we are just looking for the simple things.

Sometimes I ponder what lies behind my own thoughts and actions. I wonder what is motivating me to make these choices, say these words, and act upon them. What makes me talk about things I would rather not? I have not yet begun to discover all of who I am, let alone say I have one little piece of the market on knowing others. I imagine that I will not wholly know myself by the time my life is complete, but I am willing to find out what I’m made of between here and there. I know that I will find out unpleasant things, but I so desire to find the good, shine it up, and share it. Although things may never be what they seem, I want to be honest, real, and good. Even if I don’t know what’s coming ‘round the bend.

Puri on my mind. HAH!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

From La la Land

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder, “Is this mine? If so, how did I end up here? What am I doing? How has all this stuff gone on?” Some days I feel like I’ve lived a life that you read about in books.

I never thought about it until a few days ago. Someone pointed out to me some beautiful things that I’ve forgotten about. It’s funny how sometimes it takes someone else appreciating the life you’ve lived to make you realize how appreciative you could and should be. Not like that sort of pressure that says “Look how lucky you are, you ungrateful being you,” but something more along the lines of “Wow, how incredible is that for you! You are so blessed!”

I am blessed. I have lived a life that some people only imagine. I have a family who loves and cares for me. Sometimes I forget that; especially, on those days when I’m feeling selfish or annoyed at them. I have someone special whose smile makes me smile at the slightest thought of it and whose destiny is so big that I can’t help but be amazed at him.

I got my heart broken and learned to love again.I look around my memory in wonderment. I recall places I’ve been and people I’ve met as if I had read them, like events written in black letters on parchment or imagined as though they were characters in a movie I’ve seen. But none of these things were made up. All of them happened to me. Each and every one. I’m glad my friend pointed this out, however unknowingly. For that, I am truly thankful.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I’m getting increasingly annoyed by people who ask me about my future plans (or) try to give me advice about what I should do (the list includes my family too). Mainly because, I haven’t planned anything and don’t intend to either. I would like it to be that way. Waiting for the unexpected ….

Also, I still don’t know where ‘HOME’ is. Or rather, don’t know which place I’d like to call home. I am craving for a nice vacation ! No, I don’t mean the stressful-at-times-but-vacation-most-of-the-times, sort of a thing that am doing right now. I need, a vacation, where I’m just by myself for at least 2 weeks, in an unknown place, surrounded by people who don’t speak any language that I understand. Into the unknown, soul searching, some adventure, crazy, weird, adrenaline rush, rejuvenation !!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Crohn's Survivor...

I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease in October 2010. Life hasn't been great, but I survived. And if I have to stay here in Haflong. The only bright spot is my loving mother and beautiful weather.I'm unemployed since one year.I remember saying that I can go anywhere in the metro city and probably get a job within 3 days since IT is such a strong field. Perhaps this is God telling me not to be so smarmy and confident. Well, He doesn't have to worry about that anymore!! I feel utterly useless without employment, something to validate my worth as a person.I'm deathly afraid of being told I'm not fit enough to work full time, let alone night shifts. Then mom also tells me that she'd like me not to have to work full-time.

Yes, at times I really miss being employed,the bustle of the daily commute, being productive, eating butter chicken for lunch( more dinner like )since I mostly worked night ant social interactions with colleagues.

I guess I need to "let go" of the anger and frustration that comes from losing one's career.
Enough said for now. Later..

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I've always said that this blog would reflect my life...and where I am at the time I am writing it. I started of just writing bout things that happened in my regular life or something that interested me...say coffee. LOL! What makes me happy ? Inexplicably happy...not talking about big costly things but moments that make me say.."Awww".

A nice evening with a group of friends at Barista, a great conversation. A funny thought..something that strikes your funny bone and you laugh and laugh till your stomach hurts. The smile of a little child! Most kids smile a lot and that suddenly brightens her day and mine of course.I miss my friend, Abha.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Wow!

I'm in Guwhati,trying to keep up and establishing new connections in this lovely hometown of mine...and ...and..Life is good! I think I shall become a bird, that goes to North in Winter and then back this way for Summer.

March is lovely.It's nice to start having a bright and sunny weather.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

As with everything in life that tastes great, there will always be those who argue that coffee is not good for you. Just as adamantly you will have those who are quick to point out the benefits. For myself I tend to take the good and ignore the bad. It is perhaps not the healthiest approach, but it’s the one I like the best because it appeals to my taste buds. I’m a simple person and enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

I know that caffeine is a moderately powerful stimulant but there are still those who will argue. Hah!

Monday, January 3, 2011



Happy New Year to all of us!


I have decided that I will not ignore my blogspot this year.Afterall, I wanna feel ALIVE again after that series of lousy fever,weight loss, pain and the agony of surgery. I will write the entire tale of my Crohn's disease soon.

But later.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I don't like the way they inject needle inside my veins.
I don't like the way they smear gel on my tummy.
I don't like the way I have to lean on machine wearing an ugly gown.
I don't like the way I have to lift my shirt up.
I don't like the way they push my tummy.
I don't like the way they press a lame instrument on my chest.
I don't like the way it deliberately touches my breasts.
I don't like the way they ask me to breathe.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Another new year is creeping up and I am sick of feeling like I have not reached enough milestones to really celebrate it. I keep thinking that the life I am creating for myself isn't enough. Is time running out?

Monday, November 2, 2009

Ugh!! Non starter!

Bizarre, immature, weird, inconsistent, hot/cold and still so freaking intriguing.
You only act like you're sensitive and dark and deep. *pffbt*

Honestly speakin, you're a total jerk on paper.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Careless whisper

I've been told I startle the people I meet and then they give me a quizzicle look at first.Then something magical happens, a little pep in the step, a little glide in the stride....and BOOM! inside I feel a stab of guilt thinking, Jeez,I only gave him the usual whisper.

Why should I always be careful? Even I feel the need to smile.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

WTF moment


WTF! WTF!WTF!

I used to take pride in the thought that I may be the last true romantic, and i'm in a WTF moment right now.So, the adventure has brought me to the strangest of situations....What the hell was I thinking?I probably wasn't,i'm sure.No surprise.Feeling would be the appropriate word there I guess.

I need to grow up urgently.Perhaps if I give it time,I finally will someday.But how much time?And then again, perhaps I am not looking for that.It's not always easy living a life constantly tossed beween desire, longing,love, trust.All of these seem to encompass what life is all about in a very crude way.

Well, for now I just want to stop seeing paradise from other's eye.
Maybe I should stop analogy now.I know I'm not making sense.

But who cares? This blog is for me.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

MARRIAGE MONGERS

I'm tired of people assuming relationships in my life.I have a big problem! Now the only thing I can deduct from this is that I must be very popular or something.They keep asking me about the guys,"Oh, and what about him? You guys would make a great couple." I can't believe people actually call me up to find out if I'm dating anybody.Oh yes, my dear people, oh yes! Dating and marriage [for me], it is inevitable! It is coming...soon or not, God knows!I'm so tired of people assuming things about people and relationships in my life. I give a firm nod and smile to those who have the guts to ask me if I like someone. Please talk to me rather than talking about me.I DESPISE MATCHMAKNG. Sure it's cute to see couples hook up and fun to get involved, BUT I'm totally not goin' to screw up my life.

Fuck off!

Monday, September 21, 2009

The summer seemed to fly by.

I am tired and it is late, but it seems this is when my blogging takes place.

It's amazing how quickly time flies.Although the last couple of months have been somewhat discouraging and heartbreaking professionally, they have also served as a season of change, hope, and renewal. The time that I spent purging what needed to be released from my non rewarding life.It’s as if the old had passed and the new will come.When decisions that alter the course of your regular life have to be made, damn it causes such a rift in your soul.

My life has obviously not been very regular lately though I have enjoyed some extra rest.And I realise it will not last too long and will wish for days like this shortly after I start a job again.And I'm half happy and half sad about the coming of festivals.

As a child,I was certain that every year Goddess Durga visited the earth this season.It's crazy how beliefs change with time.Although I must say, I am of the belief that God is just and excuse for people to boost their faith and keep going.I used to love September for it's mystical style of festival frolic until it decided to spook me with the ugliness of death,loss, pain and separation.I still can't believe Rohan is dead.I still don't know how dad's face must have looked when he shut his eyes permanently.I will never be able to enjoy Diwali in my life again.It will always remind me of how death shut all the lights in our house and left grief.Glimpse of ugliness in my early adulthood.STOP!

Anyway,I was at Barista after so many days today with Abha and Sudeep...sharing life.I want to be there for friends although I seem to have no control over my expression...some things just come out like WORD VOMIT.Love sucks!Doubly so when carrying others' burden.I am glad that I'm seen as a "friend". But at the same time I feel so removed; I'm not sure how to get close so that I can make a difference.

Does everything in life require analyzing, balance, and best effort??

I guess I need to calm down. lol.
Oh, how I love the smell of coffee.

THE END.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

FRAGILE

Life is not always HaHaHeeHee! I was sick and I am sick of being sick.My fragile body picked up cold and fever in the rain and the next few days was awful.I had lost my appetite,could not take anything beyond three bites, my taste bud wasn't functional and I suffered nausea.I mostly stayed curled up in bed.I think my recurring illness is tied in with lack of sunlight.Such poor sick record.I feel like death.I'm only 27.
I'm tired.I can't type.Pathetic entry I know.
I'll come back later. :)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

THE EARTH IS MY PLANET.

It's funny how life works.I've spent the past few months trying to deal with the past year, trying to understand.Well, without even realizing it, I get kicked in the butt and project me to a new direction.I do not desire anything today.

My last night in JNU campus spent in the company of four wonderful friends. Momos, laughs ,paranthas, tea ,joy, curiosity.Funny how things come together in life,opposites mix and somehow life goes on.Dreams put into words,hope against all odds.It was one of the most beautiful nights in many years,the kind that will last forever.Things just kicked in.The sky was open and the moon charming as ever. Cheesy right ? I could feel the smell of fresh grass on my feet.I have missed it's smell and the wide sky which seemed like it was closer than it's ever been and above all my friends...ever so human,their humble smile and that cheer that drips from their soul , in a peculiar tangible aura.I call that peace and LIFE.Years have passed by now ,years that I somehow failed to notice.It seemed like the place had made an appearance of it own away from a far away world.JNU radiates with warm smiles and laughter,humble, beautiful,human.Students dressed in all colors of the world busting with energy.

I discovered yesterday how much I missed the world.The illusion of the absence of God and love forgotten.

Enough said for now.Will come back later. :)

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Reebooting Myself---

Here I go again. I know I know I have been slacking in this blogspot area and simply not posting any insightful and meaningful blogs.I'm a little paranoid about this blog going up in my Great Driving Challenge Application link cause that somehow feels like intrusion of my little bitching space.But this whole Driving madness had been keeping me busy and thanks to the voting requirements, I at least reached up to people who I had been ignoring for years. It's great. I don't know if I will make it to the top of the contest but my participation does make me feel like a non lazy and non frumping lady in her young twenties. Heh !

I really wish I could say I am totally overwhelmed with life and that I have so much on my plate that I have shut down mentally.But honestly , life's easy right now.It took me a lot of courage to give up four and half years of my committment to work.Life had been a rat race and I want slow down a bit...relax and reboot MYSELF.It's not always easy sprinting around knowingly.Maybe this whole decision was my attempt to reward myself for all the crap that I have gone through or maybe it is just I have finally become "settled".My association with Wipro was like social suicide and I hope after this I can enjoy the good things in life more efficiently.

And this Great Driving Challenge could be my first attempt of reebooting after all that rigorous clicks and beeps at my workplace.It's gonna be so much fun driving to new places , capturing moments and slowing down a bit to indulge in the best things of life.I do not have enough votes though to confidently look forward. But HOPE is the key right ? :)

So , check out for this space in a couple of days. Will update what's goin' on.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Check out The Great Driving Challenge !!





Hi I am inviting you to become a fan on the application page and cast your vote in support. You can visit my application page by clicking on this link here. Cast your vote and also become a fan. http://gotaf.socialtwist.com/redirect?l=681833584257689126421 Organizers Mitsubishi Cedia Sports The Great Driving Challenge Powered by Zigwheels. PS. If you have any problems casting your vote or signing up as a fan, just drop us an email to gdsupport@greatdrivingchallenge.com

Saturday, June 6, 2009

My Home burns...

N.C. Hills has launched a strategy relying on fear mongering ,ethnic division and hate.The result is people saying - "Kill him"," terrorist","traitor" ! and more at rallies, with the government playing dumb in response.It's outrageous. and it must stop.

We have failed to show that together Indians of all tribes are standing for this.As we stand into the nitty gritty and ugly days of ethnic clash in the North Cachar Hills district ,it is frightening for every child of our land to see how the wisps of barbaric killing has affected life.N.C. Hills four decades ago was a place which everyone had loved to see but now we hedge on going there for the fear of losing our own life.I have concerns for the safety of my loved ones back home in the hills.

Going to the deepest core of the haven of our childhood shelter, I am hearing things that make my heart ache as a Dimasa.Things that bring out my own fear for my family as someone which is far from lily white.It upsets me that so many people have no job , cannot afford food ,have lost their children to a needless conflict , can't afford healthcare , can't pay for education, have lost their home...all in order to say - This land belongs to "ME".

The fanatic patriots of our own land have instilled fear in crowds.You are not only spreading what you know is right ( which is actually wrong); you are choosing hatred to win unjustly and is therefore not running in integrity.The mothers , fathers and all widows need to take great care in realising just what it is you are sewing the seeds of in our own land- nothing but terror , fear and loss.I want to ask the fanatics-Do you really know what it is you sew ? Do you consider in quiet times of yourself when you are deep in thoughts what it is yo are sewing , just how much of this fight is humanity vs brotherhood?

My family on all sides has worked for every person in the neighborhood to be treated fairly.Let's not go back 40 years.Do not take away our dreams and the dreams of our children simply due to the difference in mother tongue or that we do not believe in the same kind of God.

And , here's for the elite government- Shame on you ! Shame on you! My daily hope is now that we can look to our future as one people, and will choose a leader who sees us as ONE people......NOT as Baruahs,Thaosens,Raltes,Sharmas.We are a diverse culture and need to be respected and honoured as such in order to get the best from each and every last one of us.Respecting and honouring all of us, leaving none of us out or behind.

That's all I can ask for.Peace !

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Eiding naure pung nau ray (2)
Maya ra, maya ra , saklong pubi Mayara


- Anthem of Ulubari

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Fighting exhaustion

Long time ! I don't want my blog to die the slow lingering death of not being kept up.I can say I've been busy with work.That's true.I've been so exhausted by the end of the day that my fingers would not type in complete sentences.That's true too.What adjustments we are making in this failing economy.Change is never easy.Things do get worse before thay get better.Like Little Bailey in the Traveling Sisterhood movie says , it's all about stringing all the things together and making those count more than the bad ones.And finally , getting through it. That's all we can ask for.

Deeper though, I've just not been feeling like sharing my life much. I never started this blog to get comments or links or hits. I have not added advertisements or causes. I don't even have a central theme or cause as a focus.I need some time to rethink this blog and what it means to me, what is does for me.

I quit coffee. Doctor says if I continue caffeine and nicotine intake my style,I'd die young.My pulse rate was so high that my blood had trouble finding way to my brain.I didn't know I was anemic.My thyroid number was so bad.Only my liver and kidney function was good.Haha !But I was happy to be told that I'm not in my worst situation yet.Just have to take care of myself.I am quite functional.I'm not irritable, or weepy, or short temptered these days(at least I don't think I am! ;-)). I sleep well and wake up well... I just get tired.

I didn't mean to write about the tangles of pain and my illness and addiction combined with extreme work race or my broken heart debilitating me or about my life which seem to have blown away in the wind after my father died, and my attempt to come back.It's a pathetic case of blogger identity crisis.I write so naked that I sometimes feel somewhat inhibited.

Well, I had time to scribble all this out because my body is in a state of confusion after my transition to Eastern Time from Indian after all that rigorous training at Verizon.And now ,they have finally assigned me a wonderful team.In my previous Geek Squad I was so used to working/teaming up with ugly nerds that I feel quite enchanted here in my VOL.

Uh-oh.. I think I hear the kabari man, better make sure I shut down before he terrifies me with his voice skills.

Juthai drom the Dimajik !

Friday, April 24, 2009

Life is busy, haven't died yet, so I'm good.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

When life hits me on the face..


It is odd how smelling certain things can invoke particular thoughts, emotions, and memories. While at times it is positive, these thoughts can be very unexpected and somewhat unwanted. Needless to say, I cannot imagine where some things originate! Since they appear, the desire to solve them arises, but not knowing where they are from and why they come makes it difficult.I assume that EVERYTHING happens because God purposely caused it and he is still testing to see how miserable HE can make me.

And that marks the end of my terrible weekend.I was so stuck.But I don't wanna be mad...I wanna get laid :|

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Fuzzy Brain


So, I feel inspired–inspired to blog about how I am inspired about nothing.
You see, I go to write some amazing in my post and then I sit down and BAM!
My brain goes to fuzz and all my inspiration flies out the window.

I made it home yesterday exhausted physically and mentally/emotionally.I crashed into my bed and was so shocked to wake up 10 hours later when there was merely 1 hour left of Saturday.And then I cooked meal with Mini and argued with somebody online for being so pathetically self absorbed and the next thing I realised is that I slept yet again with my lights and computer turned on.That makes a total of 17 hours sleep per day.

I knew I was tired but I didn't know I was THAT tired.LOL !Life's just insanely odd sometimes.

Mini has been busy packing.And the more I see her , the more mushy I feel.We are left with less than 24 hours before she takes her flight.And I've had these kinda fragile feelings before when I was in college hostel.Off late I've been more consciously thankful for my friends.I have some wonderful ones and maybe the best! Laughing , crying,talking,smiling, sharing, being extremely retarded, goin' odd places at odd hours of the day.I want to thank all my friends for sharing my life.

That reminds me I have to share my time with Aasif ,Vikas, Raj and Mini today in bits.Though it's kinda painful when you have to plan your day in slots it's a great feeling when people want to spend their time with you.

Jeez ! I don't want my blog to sound like a minute to minute commentary of everyday but since I have already typed them and I'm too lazy to use the backspace I might as well share the blah with the world.LOL ! do enjoy and leave me comments if you are reading this.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Time does Fly


This is an important blog.YES ! And I will spare the reasons and excuses for not updating my blog.I am no more the old NT that I used to be.Actually I am suffering from a serious case of expression blockade.There is sufficient amount of thoughts, events and feelings to discuss,but I can't seem to form them into a coherent post.Actually, Madd dutifully reminded me that I haven't been posting anything here.I love his blog.Though I don't see much happening there either.

The past week was much blogging moment but right now my mind is turning to mash to enter the details.It seems as if I have been hit from every side so far this year and to be honest it is difficult.I am unable to deal with night shifts and cannot stay up past midnight,even those coffees aren't helping.Actually, I don't even crave for coffee and cigarette anymore and even if I try them for the heck of it....I don't really enjoy the taste like I did before.It's driving me crazy.I am trying to be in control of my circumstances.Sometimes it feels like I am in the bottom of a barrell and looking up hoping that dad will reach down to pull me up.Saturday is Rest Day from the grinding and tedious schedules that I am forced to keep.

My life is currently full of work and friends.Work.Really isn't so hard.I love the Verizon team and I hope this quarter is light.Lots has happened and I even have the pictures of Sudeep's birthday,Poets Day and all.I've been dangling in the church with Abha and met my SD friends;and jamming with Marc etc.Mini is moving back home.She's been my friend since I can recall time.And it's strange I talk more about Abha and other friends instead of Pinky or Mini or Kimshain.

Just to let you know I consider you one of my closest friends. You were there for me when I needed you and in return I was there when you needed me. I will miss talking to you, eating with you, cooking together, and our random town gossips . I especially will miss you as my room mate ;)I know that change takes place in everyone's life and although I do not like it, I am learning to adjust. I know that there were times that I never told you how much I cherished our friendship but I truly do. I know that we will still see each other and do things together but for now I will miss you my sister.

So I have a goal that I'm trying to reach. The goal might be stretching myself, but I'm determined to get it done. Now lets just see if I do. Recently I've been reminding myself that I CAN do it.Also spring is here.I love spring for all the brightness and sun it brings.The only thing I will miss is not having dad in my proximity to wish him another year.

I guess that's all for now.And pardon me for saying in the beginning that this was goin' to be an important blog.Actually, I still suck in many areas.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

L2 Heal


Year 2009 is upon us and it's now time to get more busy.I want to just live.Time is always on my mind and I do realise that it's not good to not do anything for too long. So I've decided that I will stay with Wipro and renew my Techie skills.I cannot risk my profile while I see so many ass on fire all over the world.So that is good.On the down side I'll have to part with my old team and train for a US based ISP which isn't so exciting.I'm hoping a lot, that this quarter will bring a fresh change of not being so weigh'd down maybe my IJP fulfilled.

I intend to spend more time troubleshooting because when I look at myself it is still me.I am not great.And no matter how many quarters pass by and how many great appraisals happen it is just underwhelming.At AOL perhaps I grew chilled and relaxed.Maybe Verizon could be my radical change.I don't now how things will turn out but being the crazy me, m expecting stress too.

I've worked with some really talented people in L2.I will miss teaming up with them and working all night for resolutions, rep SAT and data.

I guess that's all for now.In this world where there are only a couple of things that you could call your own and you can be really sure of...just parting with your regular associates can be annoying...even if they are just one floor apart.

Out for now.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

WHAT THE FACK !

OMG ! February is almost here...which means VALENTINES DAY.Aaargghh !No actually,this Valentines there will be no whining and crying over being dateless.(like it ever happens :P)I will just grab my friends , click glasses , pour some alcohol and party like there's no tomorrow.Who cares if you are single ? You are all the lover you need. Eh?

Relationsip levels are anyway getting more and more complicated in today's weird world.People talk about no strings,covenience relationships :O WTF !And the cost of actual dating is sky rocketing too and if you ask me love and relationship is the most stressful things in life.SERIOUSLY !

We say it is already too bad that we click the SINGLE option while creating an online profile in Facebook or Orkut.LOL! But frankly speaking to be faced with the reality of not being single outside the confinement of cyberspace is a bit too much to handle.Thank God we are all singletons in our immediate friend circle.Afterall we have all had our share of stress and trouble and the highs and lows that love brought us.DUH!But inspite all that we all feel the crunch in February and want a dose of it, isn't it ?

Okay, we are all mature and cool enough to know a couple of things to do to distract ourselves on that fateful day.And we do know that it's about celebrating love.Your love for friends, your pets , yourself, your boyfriends , girlfriends.ANYTHING ! No discrimination.Just party like a rockstar , drink like a fish...or just spend time with your beloved friends in your favorite hangout and order special coffee.Live the life you love....

But no matter how much I grasp the idea that I don't have to be in a relationship to enjoy Valentine's Day; there will always be that moment off that (awful) 24 hrs when I'll wallow in self pity.I HATE YOU SAM !

OMG!CONTRADICTIONS.
This is true Denial stage.I better shut this computer now or my mind will Peter out.
*Yawns*

Friday, January 23, 2009

My soul is on SALE - Yeah !

Wow...another post from me. And so soon too! Well, I just had to say that I can finally figure out how Torrent works and I've been downloading movies daily.Little refreshment.I don't mind being home so much.Mini and I have a nice time cooking.

"Mean Girls" was good film, I would give it 9 outta 10. Worth a bitch.But "John Tucker must die" was a waste of time.I found it funny in parts but mostly boring and would only rate it as ok, 5 outta 10.The story was a touch unbelievable as well.I'm also hoping to go see the movie "The sisterhoof of the travelling pants" and "Ten things I hate about you."and will report back on how good the film is when i have.Sutterth, my randomn orkut pal helps me with the download.I just have to name the movie and it's there.Isn't that awesome ?

Sometimes I go way overboard. But then I guess it's because I've been off work and I'm up and down due to the weather outside, feels like things are just changing so much.Happiness is a state of mind though and so I guess i need to go cheer myself up with some comedy.

Silly me!!I will blog again in the near future...

Check this out.It's from Sutterth again :)