Thursday, May 22, 2008
Work has resumed in AOLUK, and I can't work up sufficient to this blog or orkut (because, let's face it, the fujitsu entries and escalations run on rage). This makes it a lot less fun for me, because all i like to do is smoke smoke and smoke.
They have allocated me mid shift which means i finish by 12 midnite. There is no way I can complain about this arrangement because whining about working in the evening, and at a time when there is no crunch, is just bad form. It would be a pointless and attention-seeking kind of whining. Moreover, half the people I deal with are too dumb to notice if I'm pissed-off.
But so what ! I am commited.Aubrey sent an appreciation mail. And it is important to me cos I have to remind myself that I am goin' to WORK now.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
If only it could stay like that. If only we could go out occasionally and flirt and fondle while the the music plays on full moon, and that it could make me feel good and warm and forgetful, and then we could go our separate ways and the night would just vaporize into pleasant memories.And I keep replaying all the pleasant memories in my head, because after all the agony I experienced in the last six months, it felt so good to have him actually want to be close to me.And to have him put his arm around me.
And in the middle of all these,there is nothing like getting some stressful call from an undefined person I had been dealing with.He had the balls to ask me if I made out with Sam.And later to suggest that I see a psychiatrist.I think guys can sense when a woman is unavailable -like dogs can sense fear.
Sam used to say,maybe he's a wolf who was preying on me in my most vulnerable time.When someone puts their arm around you as you walk down the street, it feels loving and protective.So much that o forget that maybe all they want to do is fuck you.And it's not even a question of whether he's a good person or not, of if he can be a boyfriend or not, because even if he could be, he wouldn't be a good boyfriend for me, despite this small favors and loving actions which endures me. Which is the whole reason I wont let it get far, but WHATEVER.I'm aware that I'm doing is silly and dangerous.
So, go away now,I don't want you. How could you think I ever did? And that we even connect and blah blah blah.All that you did was pretend like you were my supporter in bad times.And emotionally wretched that I am, I fell for your one liners that mean crap to me.
Just go. away.
You're valueless. You're not priceless. You're zero.
Big fucking loser.
Go the fuck away.
Let me off.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
It has been quite a year...I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to last year, and the new year isn't looking as bright as I had hoped, but the optimist in me says things are only going to get better। I wont make any resolutions because I am total crap at living up to them, but I did think up some goals I'd like to try to work toward. Here's to a better and brighter future! And thanks to Aasif and Abha for their time :-) and effort.And everyone else who called ,left wishes on scrapbook and sms. Some of my most enticing relationships have been formed with friends I've met online. Some amazing relationships. Some great friendships. Some people that have made a difference in my life in ways they'll never know.And .........
We met.In my own private connection,I knew he would reciprocate.He has remained pretty relent since his last attempt at hurting me. I was guilty of calling him and in doing so, I probably led him to believe there's still some interest on my end. And there really wasn't any...until (and I can't believe I am about to write this) I saw him at SDA.Good lord, I couldn't take m eyes off him.He was in jeans and a t shirt.And extremely gentle.I am thankful for the love lessons and watching life continues through him and our past. Yesterday ,I saw the different shade of our love, and it made sense. I don't define love as affection anymore....I have learned that its more about anonymous kindness and respect.All the past awkwardness forgotten.I am in awe at our power to persevere and make the most of everything. And I am thankful for the fact that if it wasn't for HIM I would not have ever understood love and romance । Thank you for the joy Sam.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
After all that whirlwind the past months, I just don't even know where to start. There are so many uncertainties and I am so afraid to write down anything which would potentially be a reminder of my present situation and people I love to be with these days...our nightouts, wipro, iit nescafe etc.I miss Ghy and my carefree student life. Yes, like the deserts miss the rain. And its doesn't help knowing that some of the happiest years of my youth will never come back. Rajeshree was a blast. There my happy place kicked off the madness. But leaving Ghy felt strange, not knowing when I would see that human zoo again felt unsettling and I remember wanting more time in college, to take a little bit more back with me. Who knew that after spending just three years in Ghy I'd miss it so much. Who knew that Christina and Yamde would remain in Itanagar and get married. Who knew that Kimshain would go to law college. Who knew that Api would join the aviation and fly.Who knew that Jenny would fly to China and design t-shirts.Who knows. What the future may hold.I dont even have any clue where Archana, Smith and Debonita dissapeared. Jenny always said to me when we sat in the terrace smoking our lives away, that the world is our oyster. She's so happy working in Taiwan now. And now, I understand. Happiness is sitting idly under the sky in the dark, basking in the sun, talking about the world, our oysters and the deep blue sea. Happiness is taking a risk for what you value. Happiness is giving your best shot.Happiness is a text from far away or a random occurrence which makes you smile as you remember something someone said or did, someone you love and miss. I'm happy.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Some people are morning people. They go to bed at respectable hours and wake up to fresh sunlight filtering through the fading night air. They look forward to a day brimming with promise and new people to meet. They eat hearty breakfasts while watching morning variety shows detailing the weather for the day and reading the newspapers. They go to work humming the song they woke up with; they breeze into the office with perky hellos.
I am not one of these people.I am so utterly broke, I may have to sell used underwear on eBay.
I woke up this morning with a slight headache because SOMEONE was shouting into my ear last night.
And this is what i want to tell him/her.
What I choose to do is relevant only once... when I choose how to spend my days. I made my choice and it belongs to me. And with all due respect, you have no idea what the quality or amount of the time I spend with myself is. I am reasonably confident your information is wrong .Just in case you want to know, when I made my choice I was happy. Just like you don't get to decide what makes me happier, I don't get to decide what makes you happier.
I want to be entirely clear. You don't get to say I am a terrible person because you think you wouldn't make my choices in my situation. You don't get to say that my sister don't want to be with me when you don't know them .You don't get to judge me because you think you know exactly what you would do if you had my situation. I want to be really clear: you don't know. And if the sun always shines on you -- and I pray it does -- you will never know.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I'm wondering what 'Hard thing' God has planned for me. But at least I have learned not to complain about house work because my Mom told me last time "Junjuna, do hard things and do it well".I'm not sure whether it's because of her endless support, or whether it's the memories of my childhood with her- but I really miss her.
She was always so proud of me that when I think back, it makes my heart break. Sitting here, now, in a place which I can't really call home.The pride she always felt for me is both tormenting and comforting. She is the reason I have never been afraid to try new things. Her trust in my ability is what has brought me around here.She is the one who has always told me to follow my heart. So thanks to her, I have lived and loved in the strangest places.I have followed my heart, and had it broken and never once have I thought of slowing down and not sharing my life and my love with the people I meet along the way.Perhaps now, at this age, I should know better, but then again, perhaps not.The last time I was with mom,we argued about something so ridiculous.I was against her open mindedness with intercaste marriage in the family.Perhaps , I forgot that what I'm today is because of her.I should have understood that by letting Dona free, she was doin' justice to her motherly love.
I recently went from planning and almost staying back in Assam to be with my family after all that unkempt phase of deceit here.
But here I am now, still working for Wipro and I am tryin' to love my job, which is good I guess, since I have to work only five days a week.
Wow... don't know where to begin thinking of all the madness that is going on here, I just want to give everyone proof of life. Let them know I am ok.
Lonely, but ok.
The kind of loneliness you only feel when you are surrounded by people.
Like these words I am writing now.
Making no sense.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
As you can see, my my sister , our pet and I have already bonded. Quite a bit. I mean, how could we not? We are the super bitches :P
I'm so happy i'm finally home......yay !
It was really fun with Barbilee--the first time I've been in Silchar with Aunt Elveena।I gifted her a saree and she bought me a nightie in return.lol. It was quite a different environment from Delhi!! My sisters, cousins, niece, grandma, mom, dad.
Raccoon --- we call her Muddimma।I haven't seen much action of hers because she sleeps all day like the employees of Indian call center do.One night while mom was feeding her,I called her name hoping that she would respond but she didn't seem to realize that I wanted to play with her.She twisted the tail and turned around :-(
This guinea pig is really alert and intelligent।Her name is Mozzo Guffu ।The first time she encountered me, she was aloof yet soooo cute :-)
बौउऊ---She is extremely cute and lovable। I can't say I've known a sweeter dog, actually. She likes to always be near me, and is happy to ride along in the car and hang out॥ When I am sitting on the couch watching a movie, she jumps up next to me and have her head rest on my lap. One night I woke up to a strange noise, only to realize it is her snoring with her head on my pillow.
Batto -- is pretty।And I actually hate to see her inside the cage.But she anyway didn't look distressed and was chirping away to glory......Oye !!
It was supposed to be a rest . Donna's wedding was tough, and I didn't get home until 23rd after all the drama of rituals and blessing.I enjoyed it in the sense that it was good eye opener to me. I don't know how I would have done if I had to marry a foreigner.I just wanted to get it over with and go home. Enjoy the ride and some scenery along the way.
It was the first time I'd seen any hills this year. The drive was beautiful, and I tried to take it all in my head, especially after I was left in Delhi's chase group for so long.It wasn't long but the soft dirt now and then made it tough. Luckily, I could count on my goggles .But things are a little hazy in my memory now.:(
There was one weak bridge that we had to cross close to having to collapse, but my stubborn pride forced the cranks over in an agonizing struggle through thick wooden support and we made it to Haflong.
I've digressed! My stream of consciousness has meandered. I am talking about the hills and how I felt good for the first time this year! So back to it. I thought I would be exhausted from the battle ground tat i came from and a lack of sleep.At home, I'd actually doze off by 10 pm.And the day would begin fast,it took me a few laps to get going.
And then, in Kolkata, Munna & I headed towards the market for some sea food.We went to this lounge closest to his place , and ordered beer and prawn.Ate with great gusto but when it was time to pay the bill, it was painful. Damn !
Here in Delhi , i've been spring cleaning ever since I came back.What amazing weather compared to Silchar.And now , a clean house to get along with it.
I thought May would be a good moon for me.But a diagnosis of episcliritis said it all.
M yet to cover all my thoughts & experience.Theres lots more to jot.But I think I need my dose of coffee now....so i'll come back later for more.