Shifting my focus away from that thing missing to make my life“perfect” by some imaginary standard, and embracing all of it that I can.The most important bit of it, is letting go of the dangerous, esteem crushing concept that I can change life at the whim of my consciousness. Being more kind....taking a deep breath and accepting where I am in this delicate, infinite process of expansion and growth. Being excited for the gain, not disappointed for the smallness of the step. 

What I'm trying to say here is that I am going to get myself off the hook, forgive myself for being human and loving a douche-bag again and again. I know i do it. And feeling around in a never ending circle of ego-fueled projections.

After all life is a beautiful struggle! 

The world is layered with awesome details that make it feel interesting and original. 

WOW! May 2012, here you are. The month of my 30th Birthday.And my anxiety is beginning to climb.

"Holy shit! I am 30.I do not own a home.I am not driving a BMW, nor can I even afford to buy a new car.And I am just sitting here, in the middle of Castleville, barely able to support myself and just hoping that my boyfriend will marry me soon.Fuck. This is NOT what I thought I would be doing at 30.

I often wonder at mankind. I marvel at the complexity with which we as human beings are comprised. We are not simple, but we are. All we want is love and the basics of life. Yet, we are driven so often by so many unseen factors that we don’t recognize that we are just looking for the simple things.

Sometimes I ponder what lies behind my own thoughts and actions. I wonder what is motivating me to make these choices, say these words, and act upon them. What makes me talk about things I would rather not? I have not yet begun to discover all of who I am, let alone say I have one little piece of the market on knowing others. I imagine that I will not wholly know myself by the time my life is complete, but I am willing to find out what I’m made of between here and there. I know that I will find out unpleasant things, but I so desire to find the good, shine it up, and share it. Although things may never be what they seem, I want to be honest, real, and good. Even if I don’t know what’s coming ‘round the bend.

Puri on my mind. HAH!

From La la Land

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder, “Is this mine? If so, how did I end up here? What am I doing? How has all this stuff gone on?” Some days I feel like I’ve lived a life that you read about in books.

I never thought about it until a few days ago. Someone pointed out to me some beautiful things that I’ve forgotten about. It’s funny how sometimes it takes someone else appreciating the life you’ve lived to make you realize how appreciative you could and should be. Not like that sort of pressure that says “Look how lucky you are, you ungrateful being you,” but something more along the lines of “Wow, how incredible is that for you! You are so blessed!”

I am blessed. I have lived a life that some people only imagine. I have a family who loves and cares for me. Sometimes I forget that; especially, on those days when I’m feeling selfish or annoyed at them. I have someone special whose smile makes me smile at the slightest thought of it and whose destiny is so big that I can’t help but be amazed at him.

I got my heart broken and learned to love again.I look around my memory in wonderment. I recall places I’ve been and people I’ve met as if I had read them, like events written in black letters on parchment or imagined as though they were characters in a movie I’ve seen. But none of these things were made up. All of them happened to me. Each and every one. I’m glad my friend pointed this out, however unknowingly. For that, I am truly thankful.

I’m getting increasingly annoyed by people who ask me about my future plans (or) try to give me advice about what I should do (the list includes my family too). Mainly because, I haven’t planned anything and don’t intend to either. I would like it to be that way. Waiting for the unexpected ….

Also, I still don’t know where ‘HOME’ is. Or rather, don’t know which place I’d like to call home. I am craving for a nice vacation ! No, I don’t mean the stressful-at-times-but-vacation-most-of-the-times, sort of a thing that am doing right now. I need, a vacation, where I’m just by myself for at least 2 weeks, in an unknown place, surrounded by people who don’t speak any language that I understand. Into the unknown, soul searching, some adventure, crazy, weird, adrenaline rush, rejuvenation !!

Crohn's Survivor...

I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease in October 2010. Life hasn't been great, but I survived. And if I have to stay here in Haflong. The only bright spot is my loving mother and beautiful weather.I'm unemployed since one year.I remember saying that I can go anywhere in the metro city and probably get a job within 3 days since IT is such a strong field. Perhaps this is God telling me not to be so smarmy and confident. Well, He doesn't have to worry about that anymore!! I feel utterly useless without employment, something to validate my worth as a person.I'm deathly afraid of being told I'm not fit enough to work full time, let alone night shifts. Then mom also tells me that she'd like me not to have to work full-time.

Yes, at times I really miss being employed,the bustle of the daily commute, being productive, eating butter chicken for lunch( more dinner like )since I mostly worked night ant social interactions with colleagues.

I guess I need to "let go" of the anger and frustration that comes from losing one's career.
Enough said for now. Later..