Being Miscellaneous...

Things are altogether a bit strange at the moment. Which makes it all the harder, blogging wise. I’m well aware that i’ve blogged a lot about Sam, and i’m trying to find usual day to day things to write about. But life just isn’t day to day right now. My body is all out of sync, my brain is stressed and the two combined are making me feel rather ill.

On a positive, the apartment feels like home, well ‘a’ home now. Although home is still in the Hills in my mind, i’m hoping that this will change pretty soon.

I’m blowing hot and cold. One moment, everything is glorious and the next moment i get hit by a whole load of crap i’m living in Delhi, i miss mom and my home and i don’t know anyone who I can trust and i don’t want to go to work and i don’t want to have to take that green fucking auto(which i do, every time i want to go somewhere)’.

Yesterday was fun. Inspite of stomach fuck up (thanks to aol treat) .Even beggars eat better food than that i think.But catching up with Pradu was fun....so was Abha n Sandy at Flames ( quite a kool guy ).I avoided alcohol :-) But I guess that’s expected of a sick me.However, it did remind me why I don’t drink any more. It turns me into a crazy monster.An emotional crazy monster. Who cries buckets for a silly guy. And can’t form words properly. And loses money.I used to drink lots, a few months ago but i stopped when it became quite clear that it did nothing for my depression and made me 100% worse. It also makes me feel VERY ill.

One thing that I realized recently is that I think everyone is judging me by my own harsh standards… I never stop to think that maybe they don’t see what I do, maybe they see someone that they like.I focus on the negative, that much is clear. I know that i’ve never been totally happy, I also know that at one point, I really wasn’t happy at all. I have spent so much time feeling and being negative about me and everything that happens with me, and spent so much time thinking ‘I’m sad’ that I didn’t notice the little positive changes.
While there might still be an inner sadness, I can accept that it’s ok. Perhaps I will never be 100% happy….I don’t know many people who are. Perhaps that will get better over time. For all that focusing on what was wrong, I didn’t look around and see all that’s now right. I am happy. I’d forgotten how to recognise when I was.

Things have clicked into place over the last few weeks. I feel like i’m finally getting somewhere, and it’s somewhere that’s looking quite good. I can deal with things better, I know that I need to concentrate on who I am and will be rather than who i used to be, and I also know that whatever I thought, I actually had good reasons for feeling the way I did.

I spent so long being who I thought I should be, how I thought everyone else wanted me to be and then such a long time just holding myself together, that I forgot who I was. I’m still not sure, but I do know that it’s a nice, happy, funny and caring person….well that person is in there somewhere.

I can remember little pieces of who I am now. I can feel how nice it was to be myself. There’s no point trying to struggle back to who i was in the past, I need to look to the future, and I know who I want to be.

Swirling mass of contradictions.