Incredibly self-obsessed....

Something or the other keeps be busy here in my workstation......well, i'm at least pretending like i'm really busy workin' on sumthin'

Who would know the self obsessed me was goin thru sum self analysis test. Hmm ! Here , I'm posting the results. lol

And tats not all.....i gottu mantion bout how I celebrated my birthday one week late with team members.....SIGH ! And how I overheard Shabb and Arfat discuss casteism. And here, since there are ppl hovering around plus I have ppl sitting behind me......& i absolutely hate it when ppl look into my screen while i'm typing......lemme procastinate tat for later ;-)

for now its my personal shock. lol

a fair-weather blogger

I am admittedly a fair-weather blogger, the kind who only blogs when she absolutely has to, or if she has nothing else to do or because

A) she's really bored

B) she's procrastinating over something else and

C) she doesn't want to waste her highspeed broadmand advantage at work or make full use of unlimited usage plan ( courtesy my srvice provider ).

I know some jobless people have the time to blog every few hours or everyday, but I REALLY have nothing of merit to say.Really ! That is why I keep writing about all weird experiences tat happen in my boring life.

Work has resumed in AOLUK, and I can't work up sufficient to this blog or orkut (because, let's face it, the fujitsu entries and escalations run on rage). This makes it a lot less fun for me, because all i like to do is smoke smoke and smoke.

They have allocated me mid shift which means i finish by 12 midnite. There is no way I can complain about this arrangement because whining about working in the evening, and at a time when there is no crunch, is just bad form. It would be a pointless and attention-seeking kind of whining. Moreover, half the people I deal with are too dumb to notice if I'm pissed-off.

But so what ! I am commited.Aubrey sent an appreciation mail. And it is important to me cos I have to remind myself that I am goin' to WORK now.

Hi Nilanjana,

Am extremely proud of the effort you have put in and hope to see this trend continue not for me but becoz its what is required from you by the company.

Regards

Aubrey

After my last entry, I became extremely sick to my stomach। His effort to take revenge! It seems like life doesn't agree with me.They insisted that I was crazy. Ya I was.He is so below me. How did I even want to go out with him? Look at his teeth. And his physical appearance is terribly ugly and disgusting .He used to take money from me and spend on MY friends like he is God's gift to mankind and promote generosity in such a way tat even Mother Teresa would be ashamed.Blahh!! So, he's a sick bastard. So, what! I just have to go on. He's not important in my life. He never was. I never let him be.why bother with a nut case. Forget he exists and go on with life. Maybe this will be my last entry. Good-bye and be well.

And I thought, maybe he hasn't really gone away. Maybe he is still here in heart even though it doesn't feel like it most of the time. As if that affection of his that was so bright and hot will come back.

If only it could stay like that. If only we could go out occasionally and flirt and fondle while the the music plays on full moon, and that it could make me feel good and warm and forgetful, and then we could go our separate ways and the night would just vaporize into pleasant memories.And I keep replaying all the pleasant memories in my head, because after all the agony I experienced in the last six months, it felt so good to have him actually want to be close to me.And to have him put his arm around me.

And in the middle of all these,there is nothing like getting some stressful call from an undefined person I had been dealing with.He had the balls to ask me if I made out with Sam.And later to suggest that I see a psychiatrist.I think guys can sense when a woman is unavailable -like dogs can sense fear.

Sam used to say,maybe he's a wolf who was preying on me in my most vulnerable time.When someone puts their arm around you as you walk down the street, it feels loving and protective.So much that o forget that maybe all they want to do is fuck you.And it's not even a question of whether he's a good person or not, of if he can be a boyfriend or not, because even if he could be, he wouldn't be a good boyfriend for me, despite this small favors and loving actions which endures me. Which is the whole reason I wont let it get far, but WHATEVER.I'm aware that I'm doing is silly and dangerous.

So, go away now,I don't want you. How could you think I ever did? And that we even connect and blah blah blah.All that you did was pretend like you were my supporter in bad times.And emotionally wretched that I am, I fell for your one liners that mean crap to me.
Just go. away.
You're valueless. You're not priceless. You're zero.
Loser.
Failure.
Loser.

Big fucking loser.

Go the fuck away.

Let me off.

Welcome to the new level of maturity...

Ok ! so its May 15th :-) And my 26th birthday।And I'm just reviewing the past year
It has been quite a year...I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to last year, and the new year isn't looking as bright as I had hoped, but the optimist in me says things are only going to get better। I wont make any resolutions because I am total crap at living up to them, but I did think up some goals I'd like to try to work toward. Here's to a better and brighter future! And thanks to Aasif and Abha for their time :-) and effort.And everyone else who called ,left wishes on scrapbook and sms. Some of my most enticing relationships have been formed with friends I've met online. Some amazing relationships. Some great friendships. Some people that have made a difference in my life in ways they'll never know.And .........

We met.In my own private connection,I knew he would reciprocate.He has remained pretty relent since his last attempt at hurting me. I was guilty of calling him and in doing so, I probably led him to believe there's still some interest on my end. And there really wasn't any...until (and I can't believe I am about to write this) I saw him at SDA.Good lord, I couldn't take m eyes off him.He was in jeans and a t shirt.And extremely gentle.I am thankful for the love lessons and watching life continues through him and our past. Yesterday ,I saw the different shade of our love, and it made sense. I don't define love as affection anymore....I have learned that its more about anonymous kindness and respect.All the past awkwardness forgotten.I am in awe at our power to persevere and make the most of everything. And I am thankful for the fact that if it wasn't for HIM I would not have ever understood love and romance । Thank you for the joy Sam.

xoxoxox

After all that whirlwind the past months, I just don't even know where to start. There are so many uncertainties and I am so afraid to write down anything which would potentially be a reminder of my present situation and people I love to be with these days...our nightouts, wipro, iit nescafe etc.I miss Ghy and my carefree student life. Yes, like the deserts miss the rain. And its doesn't help knowing that some of the happiest years of my youth will never come back. Rajeshree was a blast. There my happy place kicked off the madness. But leaving Ghy felt strange, not knowing when I would see that human zoo again felt unsettling and I remember wanting more time in college, to take a little bit more back with me. Who knew that after spending just three years in Ghy I'd miss it so much. Who knew that Christina and Yamde would remain in Itanagar and get married. Who knew that Kimshain would go to law college. Who knew that Api would join the aviation and fly.Who knew that Jenny would fly to China and design t-shirts.Who knows. What the future may hold.I dont even have any clue where Archana, Smith and Debonita dissapeared. Jenny always said to me when we sat in the terrace smoking our lives away, that the world is our oyster. She's so happy working in Taiwan now. And now, I understand. Happiness is sitting idly under the sky in the dark, basking in the sun, talking about the world, our oysters and the deep blue sea. Happiness is taking a risk for what you value. Happiness is giving your best shot.Happiness is a text from far away or a random occurrence which makes you smile as you remember something someone said or did, someone you love and miss. I'm happy.

Some people are morning people. They go to bed at respectable hours and wake up to fresh sunlight filtering through the fading night air. They look forward to a day brimming with promise and new people to meet. They eat hearty breakfasts while watching morning variety shows detailing the weather for the day and reading the newspapers. They go to work humming the song they woke up with; they breeze into the office with perky hellos.

I am not one of these people.I am so utterly broke, I may have to sell used underwear on eBay.

I woke up this morning with a slight headache because SOMEONE was shouting into my ear last night.

And this is what i want to tell him/her.

What I choose to do is relevant only once... when I choose how to spend my days. I made my choice and it belongs to me. And with all due respect, you have no idea what the quality or amount of the time I spend with myself is. I am reasonably confident your information is wrong .Just in case you want to know, when I made my choice I was happy. Just like you don't get to decide what makes me happier, I don't get to decide what makes you happier.

I want to be entirely clear. You don't get to say I am a terrible person because you think you wouldn't make my choices in my situation. You don't get to say that my sister don't want to be with me when you don't know them .You don't get to judge me because you think you know exactly what you would do if you had my situation. I want to be really clear: you don't know. And if the sun always shines on you -- and I pray it does -- you will never know.