Saturday, October 25, 2008
Orkut interests me just as much as school did.We call it Franshipping - sitting in the glow of my monitor, talking to people, networking out to far flung.The mutual addiction is Orkut.Sometimes in the middle of the night it seems only minutes have passed.This Universe of Light and Shadow , where we come to outwit the high and mighty is now our reality.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
What do you do when you have a terrible day at work and can't stand the MOFO Boss.You come back home...open blogspot and and post a terrible entry so that everyone knows your Cinderella story.All day I was dying to mutter the following.
1) The alarm didn't go off -- again.
2)Yeah, whatever. Caffeine and Nicotine is my personal choice and you just SHUT UP !
3)It wasn't my fault. You ASSHOLE !
4)Your LinkedIn is a soxxxx.Orkut is a Roxxx. Yeah !
5)That's not part of my job description :X
6)Isn't it time I had a pay rise? :)
7)I'm planning my wedding and too busy to take on any more work right now
8)Your breath smells/Your shirt is disgusting/Is that a photo of your wife or mother?
9)I'm leaving because I can't stand working for you.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Every night there is melodrama.I see people putting up character descriptions and headshots becoming a hero and champion.But here I’m making the commitment to stay detached with all the manifestations.The Pujas are just over and as predicted I was working which provokes me to think that just when it feels that things have gone up in smoke, I'm usually going to end up looking like an idiot who wasted TONS of time over a job.How quickly I get attached to certain outcomes when things go well with boss at work.I will admit that off late my work place has been a happy feel good place and on the personal front I see the laughter of friendship unfolding around me.Visited SDA with pals and we caught up on each other's lives, and a good deal of bitching.So that was nice, and I really didn't mind some beer in the weekend( even though smoking is prohibited)I'm a person that needs something to look forward to every weekend after my ultra busy and weird weekdays shift.
Hopefully, it will satisfy the blogging expectations of my friends. And I promise to post an absolutely mind-boggling post at a near date. You will be so amazed at my exciting life......lolz.
I don't take myself so personally but for the first time somebody wrote a poem for me.And its none but my dearest beast Rahul.The key is to cherish my good friends while remembering it’s my vibration that will maintain the good things.The poem was sent on orkut testimonial and I am quite happy to flaunt it there.Here it goes ....
sometimes in life u meet a girl
who makes ur world swirl and whirl
who makes you smile in ur greatest despair
and makes u cry if ure a player!
well i met this girl u know
the innonence in her always shows
blue eyed girl,thats wat she is
she brings with her, delight and bliss
she walked all alone, i just saw
she stared blue sky, i just saw
she wanted to cry , i just saw
i din do anythin bout it, i just saw
in the limelight she always remains
hiding with her smile, her immense pains
she works all nyt, makes the ends meet
she is stil quite as a blank sheet
the best friend u can ever find
caring,touchin, adoring, kind
yet the one who shows u the path
this is the least, its not the last
love from all of us
Thanks Rahul !
Love ya for this :)
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I am learning a lot of stuff. Who knew there were so many useful unused functions in Word?Flop Wiproite techie that I am I wasn't aware that you could lock word files till TS passed his stuff to me.I thought it was just about yaada- yaada type-toop diction.
And, yah, I might partly be careful here because I do see quite a number of visitors even when I didn't place any ad.
Anyway, if I may get a little political… I am getting seriously scared of our incompetent government.Our council executives have failed to restore autonomy in the hills.Anything is better than these men who have lost everything to money.If I ever see any of these men in future,there will be no handshake.....just platinum heels and a middle finger.This system is thankfully not shared in Wipro, so I’m at least in good company.Stories like this reflect my concern for the situation, and also the need to step in for my people back home.But I just want to laugh at the most serious things - otherwise I can’t live.Legacy fucked.
(I needed that - joking about serious matters is the only way to live normally).
So I still pounced my favorite coffee at Barista even when there was news of five bomb blasts in the city.Those personally affected by these blasts are there in my prayers.And to the friggin' terrorist , take this for now _|_
My eyes are shutting.....snoooozzzzz
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Chatting with mom is like the most harassing time.Al rite 40 percent of the people I know are getting hitched and it doesn't come as a surprise in society where girls wed between 21 and 25 but what about us..fun , fearless women who find men silly.Mom's conventional wisdom suggest that as you grow older, you are also more prone to being firm and set in our own ways to let in another person in our space.Yah yah....one last affair was a disaster and 'm talking bout marriages here.I would rather wait than compromise on the quality of my partner just to get married at the so- called right age.I want to experience life by oneself before stepping into such institution.And I want mom to realize that it will affect not just me , but the man and our families as well.
In the meantime , all I have to say is that I my dream man should be debonair and wise with looks to spare.Is that too much to ask for a millionaire ?
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Your loving daughter,
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
But for me, September always means shopping and family. It’s a shift from focus and learning to fun and frolics. I love this time of year. I love shopping for the festivals, the exciting new possibilities the year brings, and, well, slowing down to think.
But that was all years ago.Time flies...nothing such happens anymore. September perhaps will be just a September and I will probably end up working on Durga Puja if I'm in Delhi not even realising the visit of mighty Goddess.. And if by chance I'm in Assam I have no clue how it'll be. I don't even want to think bout it.And oddly enough, that's me and my solid time management.Rohan died a year ago in September.
The last few weeks have just flown by.Things have been nuts to say the least. I got big time into pwning.Hellish month.Also knowing that dad will be hospitalised is a stress that I must deal with.
Add to that my laptop issues keep going on and its not been a great couple weeks around here.Yeah ! Yeah ! I've been in a bad mood for months now.I swear its lucky I haven't gone either grey or bald between all this.
And yes..I don't know if I can say it ever anywhere else....I love my dad the most.
Friday, August 22, 2008
OK here's one question.
Do you have the same religious beliefs as your parents?Or the same ones as your romantic partner or social group? I answer "maybe" and I don't think I have done an in-depth objective analysis.So here I am with my point.
Religion is a personal matter. And what one believe does not mean another does. So leave your views out of my place. And out of politics. Politicians should be open to the views of all, not just one group. They are supposed to represent the nation. Not just whichever religious group bitches the most or takes majority space.
If people are asked what music, movies, etc they like, what comes out of their mouth is whatever is currently popular in general...PINK FLOYD , NIRVANA blah blah .
Why do people tend to like what other people like?
To me, the real key thing is connecting the analysis around individuals’ life experiences to the insight that all systems of power are interconnected.Or maybe its just that some individual people experience multiple forms of oppression with all systems so called civilization.But as a Dimajik woman from Assam, I experience sexism on the oppressed side. THANK GOD !
So I have proved my point now ;-)
Ahhhhhh, I love to find out why folks do the silly things they do.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
This guy who has been miserably trying to hit on me calls me PRINCESS. My foot ! Come and massage my back you asshole.Serve my breakfast and cook my lunch.And wash my clothes while i'm out to work.
I need a new laptop and a house in Gulmohur Park , and 8 MB broadband connection and a router and a boyfriend who is a model by profession.And a boss who doesn't use mobile phone.
Hmmm...Breath innn....Breath outtt... :X
I mean I have just crawled out of that miserable months of solitary confinement, emo-style. OK, if I think back to the first month of this year everything is clear.Between then and now, blur. I have been in the most stressful social situations of my life, dealing with my own hypersensitivity as well as the insensitivity of others; pushing my brain and body to the limit, working on more than twenty hours of TOS deficit; going madly into almost overdrawn accounts.And it's still not OK.Life is a bitch after all.
The high hand of BPO culture has dictated my one-on-one relationship with friends across the south. Dina is pissed at me. I owe a dozen or more people visit. I'm still trying to understand how others tick, how i tick. And this is definitely an awkward space for attempting such feats.
I was at Barista yesterday.And before that Shrek look-alike bastard was outside McD.I just walked away ignoring his attention seeking roaring laughter.There was this interesting couple at Barista.Actually a MORON and a bitch.I first noticed the girl talking about her miseries while her boyfriend lovingly sympathized and held her hand showing some assurance, care , love whatever.Ten minutes later we see that the moron is taking out four debit/credit cards and some cash from his wallet and handing them over to the girl.She is now smiling.And they live happily ever after.
Coming back to myself,I make so few connections with people outside my company.I haven't been on a date for long time now :( though I make it a point to hit Barista or Coffee Day once a week, merely because I love coffee and nothing else :O and the waiter knows me now.He asks how i'm doing and knows my order.Cafe Latte and two sugar.
So thats my Blah for now....Snooze mode !
p.s. I want a chutiya boyfriend too :P
Monday, August 4, 2008
So all rude behenjis , if you are reading this ,go ahead and SMILE a bit.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Talking about friends and friendship it makes me think about life and how life goes by too fast to be concerned about it. It makes me remember to live it to the fullest. Also to forgive everyone because forgiveness it the cure to war. And how making mistake turns into a learning experience. I keep going each day living by that. Always smiling and knowing that parting may be sad but they remind you of good times. Something like forget-me- not .My friends are like forget-me- not flowers in my garden of life.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
I have places that I like to go--mostly because we are somehow sentimentally attached to them. Places we liked to go together. Think Deer Park,Cafe Coffee Day, Fort, Barista in Green Park. . I love having places like that: good food, fun things to do, and most of all, great memories.
Haus Khaz fort is one of those places.We spent many happy hours there. Those days are some of my favorite memories: sun, birthdays , smoking and just monkey business.We’d gather at CCD, then go to the Deer Park across the road. We’d spend hours on the sun, and hit the dark halls. Fun-and-fancy-free days.Well, it doesn’t matter where we are in life, there will still be occasions where we can visit those places all together again, and create new memories.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
When Rohan died he took away my only chance to ever know and he took away most of my anger. What was left at that immediate moment was memory. What is left now is a wondering combination of the need to know and the want to forget. The man did lots to fuck me up in four short years and a lifetime than anyone ever has or will again.
This was a man who could make me feel like I was the most perfect human being ever, and when he left he caused so much hurt and pain enough to make me wonder what was it I didn't do to keep him safe and sound.
I feel you in the summer sun every year.How can I enjoy any good thing that might come my way if you aren't here to experience it with me?
I short , I miss you more than you can ever understand.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Undesirable politics, leads to all relationships broken and corruption..
The human being, a social animal is ultimately the victim obliging to enter into conversation with whomever is receptive.However this supposedly receptive third party is surely involved in some underhand activities, or is known for some form of perversion.
It is not for nothing that dark times are perpetuated and fear comes close to the individual.Sitting tight seems to be the best option. It would seem the current times we live in are unsustainable. The current situation is left with a direction into more expansion of inhuman crescendo.
Currently the most incorrect political stance, is to say I am a human, and it “is possible to trust local people anywhere”. But they killed so many of my brothers. Contradicting ! isn't it ?
Although I am an optimist by nature, the depth of ugliness to which human beings can go, never surprises me.I would say that the only distinction between humans and animals, is that we are the only species that is intentionally cruel.
A peaceful dismantling feels remote but I would rather be hopeful.
Monday, July 21, 2008
I'm 26 years old and this FACT is weighing my mind.I know i'm not-so-young now and by now I should have clear idea about my purpose and direction.
I work full time. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it (usually). And I feel like there’s so much to do in my LIFE and I don’t know when to do it all.
I have long wanted to work in events. I love acting, but I don’t think that’s where I’m meant to make a living! I love photography, but I don’t know enough to work in that field (yet). Events (or public relations, marketing, etc) seem like the perfect place for me to use my creative AND practical sides. It just so happens that Abha feels the same way. In fact, she recently referred me in her media company.My baby Teak project is not happening anymore because the government is building a huge dam in he place which could have been my nursery.And it breaks my heart to know that my first attempt in entrepreneurship failed before I could even start it.
University ? Can I really adjust to it .Nah !Even when I was normal college age ,I didn't quite enjoy learning.I never liked sitting in the class and listening to psycho looking professors.I want a Master's Degree of course but I don't want to go to the University.It may turn me into a fat book reading worm that I am not.I HATE INTELLECTUALS.
And I want KIDS.I fancy the idea of little kids calling me MOMMY.I guess its a big time thing.But here I am....too selfish with my time to even have pets,let alone kids.I will obviously be married before having kids.
So, now comes marriage.How am I supposed to justify saving up buttloads of money for a wedding and a kick-ass honeymoon somewhere exotic., when that money goes to daily expenditure. Argghh!
Abha and I often talk about picking up and moving somewhere. Just for the heck of it! To experience a new city,to get out there and try something new, to go on an adventure! I like the feel of Sweden, but want something a little different. Of course, my dream is Chicago or New York, but mom will freak out knowing that I even thought of living in those places.London suits me best.And Ahem ! Only three people know so far WHY :D
My Miss Universe friend is also in Delhi now which means theres goin' to be a time machine miracle.A lot of memories rockets into my brain.And we have just three months before the wedding.Missed out on lots in the past five years.I am REALLY happy.This is nothing relevant to me apart from the fact that I love people for who they are.It only hurts me when I think that I can never have a fancy marriage ever because I will never marry the guy of my mom's choice and she would never let me marry the guy of my choice. Haha ! Stupid thought...shush
Hmmm! This is all pretty overwhelming. I like to live in the moment and be spontaneous. I don’t want to plan everything out. But I also don’t want to turn 35 and feel trapped....errr ! The world ends in 2012 right ? :O
Nahin rakhta dil mein kuch rakhta hoon zubaan par
Samjhe na apne bhi kabhi
Keh nahin sakhta main kya sehta hoon chupakar
Ek aisi aadat hai meri
Sabhi to hai jinse milta hoon..sahi jo hai inse kehta hoon
Jo samajhta hoon
Maine dekha nahin rang dil aaya hai sirf adaa par
Ek aisi chaahat hai meri
Bahaaron ke ghere se laaya main dil sajaakar
Ek aisi sohbat hai meri
Saaye mein chaaye rehta hoon..Aankhen bichaye rehta hoon
jinse milta hoon
Kitnon ko dekha hai humne yahan
kuch seekha hai humne inse naya......O..o..o .....O..o.o
Pehle phursat thi ab hasrat hai samaakar
ek aisi uljhan hai meri
Khud chalke rukta hoon jahan jis jagah par
Ek aisi sarhad hai meri
Kehne se bhi main darta hoon... apnon ki dhun mein rahta hoon
Kar kya sakhta hoon
De sakhta hoon main thoda pyaar yahan par
Jitni hai siyat hai meri
Reh jaaoon sab ke dil me dil ko basaakar
Ek aisi neeyat hai meri
Ho jaaye to bhi raazi hoon....Kho jaaon to main baaki hoon
Yun samajhta hoon
Raste na badle na badla jahan.. phir kyon badalte kadam hai yahan
Song: Nahin Rakhta Dil Main Kuch
Singer: Lucky Ali
Watch this song On Youtube
Friday, July 18, 2008
I know I know I have to acquire some discipline so I can grip what I should be doing and stick to it.
But here I am now, writing this blog, playing games on orkut and doing anything else I can think of to do in order to avoid having to tackle my household chores.My life is currently measured in 20 minutes segment.I've got into orkut big time getting happily involved in online games.I HATE doing household work and one of the great things about living on my own is that I need only clean and tidy when it gets really bad - unless I'm expecting visitors and then I rush round in a flat spin panicking like crazy and shoving everything into boxes, under tables and anywhere else I can conceal stuff :-)!
So here I am sitting here listening to my favorite song and writing this latest entry in my blog as a displacement activity. :D
Talking about blog entries ...I wish I was a fabulous writer who could make sense, so that I could show off my link like other bloggers do in the community.But then what are blogs actually ? self indulgence...and expressing myself the way I want it is all that matters.This blog is for me , by me and of me.Period!Its my relationship with oneself.I'm not goin' to talk about religion and belief and technology cause I don't have any of it and I care least about it.Am I self obsessed ? Maybe....but who is not.People just don't admit it.
Oh ya ! I hung up on Sam today and felt GREAT.Looser that he is, he expected me to recognize his number.He should have known that by not treating me like gold he was missing an opportunity.Which smart girl would date an average looking , freelance recruiter who does not wear shoes.And whose friends include ugly Hindi speaking girls.Job portal eh ? hahahaha !
I guess this is by far the most pathetic entry i've made so far.Maybe it's lack of caffeine or weekend excitement.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
What are marriages actually? Some inspirational occasion to step inside the box or humanity's timeless ritual.I see it as a puzzle that my brain cannot handle.Or maybe I need more logical insight.
I always thought great things come from small beginning.And that it is change that makes us move ahead with the plan.It is then that we experience true happiness...with your SOULMATE.But figuring out who your soulmate is a bigger puzzle.Plus what is soulmate actually ? does anyone even know ?
Maybe it's best for me not to even think about it for I might be overly sensitive about how my last relationship failed miserably.So, instead of mulling over what I did wrong and analyzing what I should do in the future, I'd rather stay in the present moment and just do whatever I like.
I just have one question that I want to ask people.Does marriage harmonize emotional stress and financial imbalance? If answer is YES...! there I am...shaadi.com calling.... ;-)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Yes...Yes...I need mental checkup.One day I write about sipping coffee and MTV and next day I come back to my Ann Marie mode.I will soon try to figure out what they've been mixing in my coffee ;-)
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Of all the addictions there are out there…mine is coffee. However this addiction isn't so selective! I am addicted to any old coffee…but yeah it must be good strong preferably a latte or Americano that generally leaves a slightly bitter yet aromatic coffee flavour in my mouth (ya I know I sound like a pompous twit). I generally dose in my addiction four to five times a day.You see drinking coffee is not just about stopping the headaches you are getting (its true I really do get headaches) from the lack of caffeine, …drinking coffee is all about the experience. It is about enjoying the bitter aromatic flavours as they hit your mouth, its about the feeling on relief as you satisfy you coffee craving but most importantly alone or not its about enjoying your surroundings, slowing down the pace of life and to follow the line of kitkat ad with a student twist… “take a break have a coffee.”
My friend Aditya knows about my need for coffee and was the first to identify the sources of my headaches were from the lack of caffeine.However, he never understood why drinking coffee is my favorite pastime.That is when I needed to explain to him the idea of the “coffee experience” which consists of slowing slipping your coffee, enjoying the weather (rain or shine) and the company of your friends as your chat and talk about nothing and everything all at the same time.
If you coming this way…let me know and I can give you a list of the best coffee around…maybe then again maybe I am the only one this obsessed with coffee…hmmmm…
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
This side,I think i'm in love with MTV .I mean I have been tempted to over commit and overindulge in one of the Roadies Community on orkut.I can spend hours reading retard discussions and participating in forums.It keeps me occupied.I haven't had the time to miss anyone....plus I have learned that indulging in silly things don't hurt.There has been bad experience there like,I have been victim of identity theft where jobless retards cloned my profile and started abusing.But it didn't matter to me.Not at all.I care least now.I have been compared with some Bosky all day and I have no clue what she's all about.At one time,I did feel like my creative expression was blocked there, but again,I didn't try so hard to push against it because I feel like slowing down a bit and its for a reason. There I found a place within where I am not judging myself based on my production.And where everyone is detached.And nobody knows me.Things are a lot easier when you realize that there's no need to try to impress anyone.But yes,I will be wise to remember that too much of a good thing is not necessarily a good thing.
Last night I saw HER dying in my dream.And I was cold.I am not able to figure out what lies behind all that.But when I woke up,I thought about her and felt bad.Nevermind! I know there are some unnecessary discussions goin' on somewhere and all I can say is that they got to do something better to bother me.My willingness to delve into the mysteries of my own psyche can lead to bad scene at home.But I will choose to stay quiet.I know it's not so simple when what you bring into awareness creates tension with your peers and that keeping the intensity to myself is not a viable solution. But I am too much ahead of them to resist their allegations or prove my courage to show positive transformation.They have lost me now.It's too late.
I think I shouldn't be tempted to go overboard and write more than you should.Later !
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Peeyush said, "Sorry to hear about your bad experience, Nilanjana, I have worked at Wipro and your complaints come as no surprise.There really is no excusing such a poor employee experience. I'm sorry to have ever been employed by them."
Wow, does that say it all about this company's lack of focus on employee experience? How would you like your employees to be sorry they were ever employed by you?
This leads me to an observation. In two companies I have worked with in customer experience, neither of the two actually did anything to measure employee loyalty and employee perception of the organizations ability to deliver to customer expectations. What a missed opportunity. While collecting OUR customer's perceptions and experience is critical to improving our performance, they are missing a key opportunity with THEIR own employees to evaluate and improve performance while raising employee pride. Your employees are the ones handling the customer issues, we are quite aware of what we need to do differently. Wipro has completely forgotten this very important stakeholder in their feedback processes.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Let me take you far away
Youd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
Youd like a holiday
Exchange your troubles for some love
Wherever you are
Let me take you far away
Youd like a holiday
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island without name
Longing for the sun be welcome
On the island many miles away from home
Be welcome on the island without name
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island many miles away from home
Its all over my head now.I have been told I am intense. My mind is always going and I am constantly receiving advice to "slow down," "stop running," and "relax." But I love my intensity .I know I am passionate and ridiculously silly at times. Bitching is my talent, and complaining is my hobby. And... I have loved an Asshole... He is my favorite. I've been told I am confident, yet intimidating. I would like to say I love people, but I think I rather choose who I love and who I receive love from. Someday,I would like to look like hindu Goddess idols.Or Ekta Kapoor's fighter aunties.
Oh ya...God has been gracious to have given me the luck to win tat 5 star Holiday in Sri Lanka or Goa.Something that I sort of deserve because nothing exciting has been happening in my life for some time now.I think when you are nice to people, you are rewarded.I remember filling that dumb survey out of pity because the rest of the crowd was too busy and proud to give attention to this chap who approached me with a feigned smile asking for just 2 mins of my time.And I had lots of them.
Dawn breaks...Snooze time now !
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Am just back from dinner and instead of fujitsu escalations I'm going to talk bout food now. Reason being, I did not have a great meal and its making me think if I should start attending cooking class.Everyone likes to cook meal in the house. Though all my friends know that I'm not particularly patient with the kitchen and I've never been known as the homely type, and i just know how to make a phone call and order butter chicken or boil rice in pressure cooker and fry bhindi or potato in oil.Last week, I picked up vegetables and food of all sorts but haven't cooked a bit.Now its partially because of my laziness but mainly because the whole system is so complicated and time consuming starting from washing the veggies, chopping, mixing the right masala and blah blah.Plus main course got to be rice or chappati which I cannot manage in my dreams. I wish the concept was simpler like loaf and salad .I tried one of those meals in the past, doesn't help , my system isn't used to bread..it craves rice and I feel hungry and eventually end up hitting the Indian aisle at cafeteria. Then I pick up naan or roti and dal and rice and spicy sabzee and sometimes butter chicken.At home , when i'm hungry I'll go for maggie or cup noodles instead of cool salad .Now tats bad isn't it ?
And looking at our regular life every day we are always tempted with food and drink. We like to eat, we entertain, we feed people. We have friends over, and say, “What can I get you to eat?” Somebody stops by, we break out the snacks. Run into a friend and they say, “Let’s do lunch.” People come to visit, we buy groceries.And somehow its taking me to Haflong's Bakery where they sell big loaf ( as they call it ) I've been missing that here in Delhi.
Of all the things that I'm most nostalgic bout , its the Haflong bakery..That soft and warm loaf with brown crust and small coloured raisin chunks. A big sandwich made out of that loaf mixed with some pork chops .....mmm am almost hungry again.Oh yea......I even miss the taste of Nunta....salty and crispy Nunta.... mixed with sesame seeds. And Apple Cookies.I kind of like it. It won't take the place in my favourites list, but I can see myself getting them again if I go home next.It has the shape of a flower with red colour in the centre.Very pretty.And yes ! not to forget every child's favourite crispy Lychi wrapped in transparent plastic.It is sweet, and contributes a nice texture.These are some of my nostalgia cookies. lol...
Hmm... makes me want to visit Barman Bakery next time I go to Haflong. Imagine a Nunta with one of those lattes in Cafe Coffee Day.
Awww....my mental capabilities have started to peter out, but it's there. I wish I had leave balance and extra money to buy tickets to the Hills.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Downside: I am feeling a little nostalgic, wishing that old friends now far away could be there to share some beer.
Www....Rohit hovering ...
Monday, June 23, 2008
I was prepared for an annoying day. And have always felt the need to assert myself, especially when I am in the middle of an activity or analyzing my most deeply held convictions.Living in society, we all have to make compromises. But I am not sure if I need to adjust my attitude to adapt to the system, or whether I should fight for my individuality.
Now that the contact details have gone to trash, I am left alone with my questions, my illusions, and perhaps some decisions to make about my capabilities. Am I an intellectual or a poet ? It's not always easy to tell, especially when it comes to choosing ways of thinking or even ways of living my life.Perhaps a quarter away , I will be gone...miles away...Unseen....Untouched....Just want to be sure I take the time I need to get some perspective on the situation in order to be in the right state of mind to make the decision that is best for me. And remember, it's OK to have some doubts, because I know how important this decision is to my future.
And tonite I just want to relax....and explore the magic within, instead of making tenuous connections with someone who doesn't seem interested in the same level of emotional involvement.
DE TAALI :-) yay !
Sunday, June 22, 2008
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.! LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
I am having big problem dealing with mom.She is probably suffering from what they call Separation Anxiety.She just sits and sits and sits, or sleeps. Cannot pull herself together, resistent to anyone who tries to help.I have failed to convince her to move up here. I am worried even bout her high cholesterol, high BP, diabetes.
I googled a bit on this issue & found similar symptoms on " AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER " in which the patient goes through the following.
Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fear
of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
Shows restraint initiating intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed, ridiculed, or rejected due to severe low self-worth.
Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.
Its a serious issue we must deal with immediately. Ohh God ! Give me all the strength and patience to deal with all weird situations in my life.
Another situation which is bothering me here at work is the two system aligned next to me which Siddharth & Kamal will take over from tomorrow.Which means one Group Leader and one Span Leader will be just a foot away from my workstation.What the hell ! How am I goin' to do my work sitting next to my manager. Its goin' to be absolutely impossible for me to use Facebook , orkut , google , chat and everything else that has been closely linked with my life.
Why me lord ? WHYY ???? :X
Sunday, June 15, 2008
It's GORGEOUS outside here btw.It rained today and I carried my blue umbrella the way i used to when I lived in Haflong.Things are so different here.I remember having to carry an umbrella everyday there cos the weather was so unpredictable there.Its been very different here in Delhi.And today, I want to go out shopping and just drive around. I don't have much money though. And I want to go with a friend.YES ! I KNOW ITS SUNDAY TODAY and it is ridiculous having to jump out of your bed and rush to work when the rest of the world in enjoying monsoon. I want to go to the Haus Khaz fort with Ashim or go out to a bar tonight with friends even though I don't need the alcohol...I am going to call him Ashim from now on cos it feels REAL that way.Last time, he saw something in me that I couldn’t see. And every time he looked at me, I felt alive again.
Inspite of all these beautiful weather out ,Delhi doesn’t feel like home anymore. I used to feel as if I had two homes. Two places full of friends and family. Two places where I could be myself and be happy. This summer is different. It is not a place where I want to be for a long period of time. Perhaps I wouldn’t feel this way if my old friends were around. My friends have all moved away and so now there isn’t much left for me to do. All I have right now is a cup of coffee which is not enough. I am bored. I don’t even have a boyfriend to hang out with or cuddle when its raining. I have my sister who is only sleeping when she's home or out to work. Here at work there are women all of who I can not stand for too long. I don’t want to say hi or good morning when I don’t feel like it. I don’t want people to talk to me unless I talk to them. Actually I don’t want people to talk at all (unless I give them permission) but I know that is very unreasonable and even more unlikely.
(sad I know).
Friday, June 13, 2008
Tats my latest addiction after latte. Red Bull ! It costs me 75 rupees :-(
For tat amount I could buy two beer and one cigarette. Humph !
Red Bull supposedly give u Wings it seems. Really ?
I've been told it has HIGH concentration of caffeine,glucose,sucrose and taurine to increase metabolism. I have no clue what they do to my body but I sort of feel happy every time I drink it.
Dum Da Da Dee Da ....
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
How old am I ? twenty six !I don't feel adult enough to be twenty six, if anything I feel I am regressing. My friends aren't much help, they all seem so much more grown up than me. One of them is married with two kids, and the other two have just bought houses with their partners and talking seriously about marriage and children.
I feel to young to be doing any of that, and the idea of being responsible for another human being fills me with terror. When I was younger I used to think that when I reached the age I am now, that would be it. Everything would make sense, and I would have a clearly defined path through my life.
But in fact I couldn't be more confused.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I know I know, “..months after your break up, you should be happy blah blah blah” but when did anyone ever know me as logical or blissful ? Never, right.
At the moment, I’m stressing about almost everything. It doesn’t help that I’m tired and I have the patience and temper of a very hungry lion at the moment…if i was a lion, i would be roaring “GIVE ME MEAT” and running around eating people’s heads or something.
My source of stress right at this second is of course LOkesh . I’m finding it increasingly hard to bite my tounge every time he mutters something about DAT that i simply have to do right away. He only sits about a foot away from me and tends to lean over onto my desk as well as his own. I’m not good with people right in my space anyway, but when it feels like someone is looking over your shoulder (even though he isn’t), it’s driving me insane.
Of course there’s a million other little things that are getting on my nerves/stressing me out too:
My jeans keep falling down. I look like i’m trying to be one of those cool kids with baggy arsed trousers
Why can’t someone give me lots of money
Why doesn't Sam call ?
Should i go on? I think not….MY GOD I NEED SOME SEX !!!!!!!!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
On a positive, the apartment feels like home, well ‘a’ home now. Although home is still in the Hills in my mind, i’m hoping that this will change pretty soon.
I’m blowing hot and cold. One moment, everything is glorious and the next moment i get hit by a whole load of crap i’m living in Delhi, i miss mom and my home and i don’t know anyone who I can trust and i don’t want to go to work and i don’t want to have to take that green fucking auto(which i do, every time i want to go somewhere)’.
Yesterday was fun. Inspite of stomach fuck up (thanks to aol treat) .Even beggars eat better food than that i think.But catching up with Pradu was fun....so was Abha n Sandy at Flames ( quite a kool guy ).I avoided alcohol :-) But I guess that’s expected of a sick me.However, it did remind me why I don’t drink any more. It turns me into a crazy monster.An emotional crazy monster. Who cries buckets for a silly guy. And can’t form words properly. And loses money.I used to drink lots, a few months ago but i stopped when it became quite clear that it did nothing for my depression and made me 100% worse. It also makes me feel VERY ill.
One thing that I realized recently is that I think everyone is judging me by my own harsh standards… I never stop to think that maybe they don’t see what I do, maybe they see someone that they like.I focus on the negative, that much is clear. I know that i’ve never been totally happy, I also know that at one point, I really wasn’t happy at all. I have spent so much time feeling and being negative about me and everything that happens with me, and spent so much time thinking ‘I’m sad’ that I didn’t notice the little positive changes.
While there might still be an inner sadness, I can accept that it’s ok. Perhaps I will never be 100% happy….I don’t know many people who are. Perhaps that will get better over time. For all that focusing on what was wrong, I didn’t look around and see all that’s now right. I am happy. I’d forgotten how to recognise when I was.
Things have clicked into place over the last few weeks. I feel like i’m finally getting somewhere, and it’s somewhere that’s looking quite good. I can deal with things better, I know that I need to concentrate on who I am and will be rather than who i used to be, and I also know that whatever I thought, I actually had good reasons for feeling the way I did.
I spent so long being who I thought I should be, how I thought everyone else wanted me to be and then such a long time just holding myself together, that I forgot who I was. I’m still not sure, but I do know that it’s a nice, happy, funny and caring person….well that person is in there somewhere.
I can remember little pieces of who I am now. I can feel how nice it was to be myself. There’s no point trying to struggle back to who i was in the past, I need to look to the future, and I know who I want to be.
Swirling mass of contradictions.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Been a while since I posted. Was caught up in so much shit. Friends , love , family , job , bills....so many things keep me busy. lol. I wish i could be free like those sparrows I see in the fort.Work continues to be hectic and CPW migration will take away our business if we don't come up with a resolution within a day or two.Our leaders suck ! I think its foolish to raise fault ticket n stop routing calls instead of finding a solution. Plus , Mumbai, Bangalore and Waterford are better off tweaking routers than anythin' else.But anyway, i finally have two days to rest and i'm looking forward to catching up with Puneet, Ranbir and most important painting tat old cupboard in my room which i had been thinking of ever since i can recall...Puneet has just finished college and left hostel and friends for good.I can just understand how nostalgic that can be.Hostel bonding...nothing compares to it.Its just temporary phase tat occupies your life and later becomes a memory.He's still a boy who loves his friends so much and he thinks he's goin' to miss them lots and forever.....sometimes innocence of mind make you so adorable.Though in my case , I have realized that when our mind can be our best friend , it can be your worst enemy too.I just want to live a normal life without letting my past and negative energy affect me.
Tat reminds me, I want to attach a photo of my new room setup.I read on the internet that according to vaastu shastra we should sleep in southern direction for peace and harmony.And that is all I need right now after all these whirlwind thats been happening in my life.And yes, i did feel the difference after i gave away my old clothes, pillows and bed sheets to tat poor woman.I hope it doesn't affect her life.I must be funny....as Aditya says ;-) I've been eating weird meals.I got this idea of organising my meal a healty way, so i went to spencers and got all green vegetables and papayas and everything that i could pick up from the exotic corner.Now the thing is...i don't like it.I'm just not the salad type and i end up eating more ham than the fruits.And i had the weirdest dinner of the year today i guess. I hated the taste of broccoli so much , i mixed extra mayonese and pepper plus those fried potatoes tat mini had left.Good diet and Nilanjana just don't go hand in hand i guess.
I was reading bout health tips and smoking effects on AOL today and did an addiction test. I've been told m at medium stage...hmmm Really ?? bullshit...i think i'm worse than the chimney i had seen at barman bakery in Haflong.I have given up alcohol....i almost don't even drink socially.Like its Aasif's birthday day after tomorrow and i don't want to celebrate it with alcohol.And I really really want to cut down on cigarettes if not quit completely...i mean , its seriously unkool.
Ohh Gawd ! theres lots more i can think of and write... like how Sunny tried to hit on me to the core yesterday and how it feels when he calls me from Amsterdam and how happy I was to know tat Bihari is coming to India this August, something that I always look forward to every year cos thats the only exciting thing that happens to me on annual interval....its not Diwali or Holi but always Bihari's homecoming tat I wait for.I know he will not be happy to see me in my present condition bcos he has always thought of me as a substantial person who is just careless.Let me not think much .Its bad for my health. lol.Time to swap to snooze mode.....
p.s. just thought of Anaconda's eye....and this is what i want to tell him...."listen dude ! i am ok & i'm much more stronger than wat u think i am.
and *******....i heard u life royally sucks...m sorry to know but i guess tats just bad karma....so be careful. U ruined my life...and you are just paying for it.I care least bout u now...you started the game , victimised two happy people with your dirty politics and now u r ruined for life....now spend the rest of it with somebody you don't love and i hope you realise how sick it is to live like tat....yah...like i am living without my bf bcos of YOU. You awful bitch. NOW ROT! Cry for the rest of your life.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Work has resumed in AOLUK, and I can't work up sufficient to this blog or orkut (because, let's face it, the fujitsu entries and escalations run on rage). This makes it a lot less fun for me, because all i like to do is smoke smoke and smoke.
They have allocated me mid shift which means i finish by 12 midnite. There is no way I can complain about this arrangement because whining about working in the evening, and at a time when there is no crunch, is just bad form. It would be a pointless and attention-seeking kind of whining. Moreover, half the people I deal with are too dumb to notice if I'm pissed-off.
But so what ! I am commited.Aubrey sent an appreciation mail. And it is important to me cos I have to remind myself that I am goin' to WORK now.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
If only it could stay like that. If only we could go out occasionally and flirt and fondle while the the music plays on full moon, and that it could make me feel good and warm and forgetful, and then we could go our separate ways and the night would just vaporize into pleasant memories.And I keep replaying all the pleasant memories in my head, because after all the agony I experienced in the last six months, it felt so good to have him actually want to be close to me.And to have him put his arm around me.
And in the middle of all these,there is nothing like getting some stressful call from an undefined person I had been dealing with.He had the balls to ask me if I made out with Sam.And later to suggest that I see a psychiatrist.I think guys can sense when a woman is unavailable -like dogs can sense fear.
Sam used to say,maybe he's a wolf who was preying on me in my most vulnerable time.When someone puts their arm around you as you walk down the street, it feels loving and protective.So much that o forget that maybe all they want to do is fuck you.And it's not even a question of whether he's a good person or not, of if he can be a boyfriend or not, because even if he could be, he wouldn't be a good boyfriend for me, despite this small favors and loving actions which endures me. Which is the whole reason I wont let it get far, but WHATEVER.I'm aware that I'm doing is silly and dangerous.
So, go away now,I don't want you. How could you think I ever did? And that we even connect and blah blah blah.All that you did was pretend like you were my supporter in bad times.And emotionally wretched that I am, I fell for your one liners that mean crap to me.
Just go. away.
You're valueless. You're not priceless. You're zero.
Big fucking loser.
Go the fuck away.
Let me off.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
It has been quite a year...I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to last year, and the new year isn't looking as bright as I had hoped, but the optimist in me says things are only going to get better। I wont make any resolutions because I am total crap at living up to them, but I did think up some goals I'd like to try to work toward. Here's to a better and brighter future! And thanks to Aasif and Abha for their time :-) and effort.And everyone else who called ,left wishes on scrapbook and sms. Some of my most enticing relationships have been formed with friends I've met online. Some amazing relationships. Some great friendships. Some people that have made a difference in my life in ways they'll never know.And .........
We met.In my own private connection,I knew he would reciprocate.He has remained pretty relent since his last attempt at hurting me. I was guilty of calling him and in doing so, I probably led him to believe there's still some interest on my end. And there really wasn't any...until (and I can't believe I am about to write this) I saw him at SDA.Good lord, I couldn't take m eyes off him.He was in jeans and a t shirt.And extremely gentle.I am thankful for the love lessons and watching life continues through him and our past. Yesterday ,I saw the different shade of our love, and it made sense. I don't define love as affection anymore....I have learned that its more about anonymous kindness and respect.All the past awkwardness forgotten.I am in awe at our power to persevere and make the most of everything. And I am thankful for the fact that if it wasn't for HIM I would not have ever understood love and romance । Thank you for the joy Sam.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
After all that whirlwind the past months, I just don't even know where to start. There are so many uncertainties and I am so afraid to write down anything which would potentially be a reminder of my present situation and people I love to be with these days...our nightouts, wipro, iit nescafe etc.I miss Ghy and my carefree student life. Yes, like the deserts miss the rain. And its doesn't help knowing that some of the happiest years of my youth will never come back. Rajeshree was a blast. There my happy place kicked off the madness. But leaving Ghy felt strange, not knowing when I would see that human zoo again felt unsettling and I remember wanting more time in college, to take a little bit more back with me. Who knew that after spending just three years in Ghy I'd miss it so much. Who knew that Christina and Yamde would remain in Itanagar and get married. Who knew that Kimshain would go to law college. Who knew that Api would join the aviation and fly.Who knew that Jenny would fly to China and design t-shirts.Who knows. What the future may hold.I dont even have any clue where Archana, Smith and Debonita dissapeared. Jenny always said to me when we sat in the terrace smoking our lives away, that the world is our oyster. She's so happy working in Taiwan now. And now, I understand. Happiness is sitting idly under the sky in the dark, basking in the sun, talking about the world, our oysters and the deep blue sea. Happiness is taking a risk for what you value. Happiness is giving your best shot.Happiness is a text from far away or a random occurrence which makes you smile as you remember something someone said or did, someone you love and miss. I'm happy.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Some people are morning people. They go to bed at respectable hours and wake up to fresh sunlight filtering through the fading night air. They look forward to a day brimming with promise and new people to meet. They eat hearty breakfasts while watching morning variety shows detailing the weather for the day and reading the newspapers. They go to work humming the song they woke up with; they breeze into the office with perky hellos.
I am not one of these people.I am so utterly broke, I may have to sell used underwear on eBay.
I woke up this morning with a slight headache because SOMEONE was shouting into my ear last night.
And this is what i want to tell him/her.
What I choose to do is relevant only once... when I choose how to spend my days. I made my choice and it belongs to me. And with all due respect, you have no idea what the quality or amount of the time I spend with myself is. I am reasonably confident your information is wrong .Just in case you want to know, when I made my choice I was happy. Just like you don't get to decide what makes me happier, I don't get to decide what makes you happier.
I want to be entirely clear. You don't get to say I am a terrible person because you think you wouldn't make my choices in my situation. You don't get to say that my sister don't want to be with me when you don't know them .You don't get to judge me because you think you know exactly what you would do if you had my situation. I want to be really clear: you don't know. And if the sun always shines on you -- and I pray it does -- you will never know.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I'm wondering what 'Hard thing' God has planned for me. But at least I have learned not to complain about house work because my Mom told me last time "Junjuna, do hard things and do it well".I'm not sure whether it's because of her endless support, or whether it's the memories of my childhood with her- but I really miss her.
She was always so proud of me that when I think back, it makes my heart break. Sitting here, now, in a place which I can't really call home.The pride she always felt for me is both tormenting and comforting. She is the reason I have never been afraid to try new things. Her trust in my ability is what has brought me around here.She is the one who has always told me to follow my heart. So thanks to her, I have lived and loved in the strangest places.I have followed my heart, and had it broken and never once have I thought of slowing down and not sharing my life and my love with the people I meet along the way.Perhaps now, at this age, I should know better, but then again, perhaps not.The last time I was with mom,we argued about something so ridiculous.I was against her open mindedness with intercaste marriage in the family.Perhaps , I forgot that what I'm today is because of her.I should have understood that by letting Dona free, she was doin' justice to her motherly love.
I recently went from planning and almost staying back in Assam to be with my family after all that unkempt phase of deceit here.
But here I am now, still working for Wipro and I am tryin' to love my job, which is good I guess, since I have to work only five days a week.
Wow... don't know where to begin thinking of all the madness that is going on here, I just want to give everyone proof of life. Let them know I am ok.
Lonely, but ok.
The kind of loneliness you only feel when you are surrounded by people.
Like these words I am writing now.
Making no sense.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
As you can see, my my sister , our pet and I have already bonded. Quite a bit. I mean, how could we not? We are the super bitches :P
I'm so happy i'm finally home......yay !
It was really fun with Barbilee--the first time I've been in Silchar with Aunt Elveena।I gifted her a saree and she bought me a nightie in return.lol. It was quite a different environment from Delhi!! My sisters, cousins, niece, grandma, mom, dad.
My baby pine.....standing tall now. I've been kind of flattering myself to think that in just eight years they have grown so tall and I nurtured them.They pretty much know better what to do with themselves than I know for myself.
Raccoon --- we call her Muddimma।I haven't seen much action of hers because she sleeps all day like the employees of Indian call center do.One night while mom was feeding her,I called her name hoping that she would respond but she didn't seem to realize that I wanted to play with her.She twisted the tail and turned around :-(
This guinea pig is really alert and intelligent।Her name is Mozzo Guffu ।The first time she encountered me, she was aloof yet soooo cute :-)
बौउऊ---She is extremely cute and lovable। I can't say I've known a sweeter dog, actually. She likes to always be near me, and is happy to ride along in the car and hang out॥ When I am sitting on the couch watching a movie, she jumps up next to me and have her head rest on my lap. One night I woke up to a strange noise, only to realize it is her snoring with her head on my pillow.
Batto -- is pretty।And I actually hate to see her inside the cage.But she anyway didn't look distressed and was chirping away to glory......Oye !!
It was supposed to be a rest . Donna's wedding was tough, and I didn't get home until 23rd after all the drama of rituals and blessing.I enjoyed it in the sense that it was good eye opener to me. I don't know how I would have done if I had to marry a foreigner.I just wanted to get it over with and go home. Enjoy the ride and some scenery along the way.
It was the first time I'd seen any hills this year. The drive was beautiful, and I tried to take it all in my head, especially after I was left in Delhi's chase group for so long.It wasn't long but the soft dirt now and then made it tough. Luckily, I could count on my goggles .But things are a little hazy in my memory now.:(
There was one weak bridge that we had to cross close to having to collapse, but my stubborn pride forced the cranks over in an agonizing struggle through thick wooden support and we made it to Haflong.
I've digressed! My stream of consciousness has meandered. I am talking about the hills and how I felt good for the first time this year! So back to it. I thought I would be exhausted from the battle ground tat i came from and a lack of sleep.At home, I'd actually doze off by 10 pm.And the day would begin fast,it took me a few laps to get going.
And then, in Kolkata, Munna & I headed towards the market for some sea food.We went to this lounge closest to his place , and ordered beer and prawn.Ate with great gusto but when it was time to pay the bill, it was painful. Damn !
Here in Delhi , i've been spring cleaning ever since I came back.What amazing weather compared to Silchar.And now , a clean house to get along with it.
I thought May would be a good moon for me.But a diagnosis of episcliritis said it all.
M yet to cover all my thoughts & experience.Theres lots more to jot.But I think I need my dose of coffee now....so i'll come back later for more.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
We at one point actually used to like each other. It seems hard to believe now - given how I feel like a bollywood actress whenever I think of him.
When I last saw him he didn’t even afford me a proper goodbye. Not even one to recognise the intense rollercoaster of guilt, empathy, addictions, lies, truths, laughs, insights, debates, lessons, that I had experienced with this person.
He used to take me and love me because he couldn’t stop thinking about it and neither could I. But it was for different reasons. I actually cared about him and it made me feel alive. It was the most rebellious experiences I had.Maybe I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I once asked him, why ? Why pick me to use as your vehicle. If it’s all about him, then why do I feel so bad? His answer contained something about being able to trust me. Funnily enough it was his lack of trust in me that seemed to signal the end of his faith in me as a decent person.
If he actually did think highly of me then why does this person choose not to have anything to do with me? Am I really that evil? Am I really that much of a bad reminder of HIS problems? Or am I a reminder of MY problems? The times I used to cry because the feeling wouldn’t go away.
I know I should have stopped it, but I didn’t, I didn’t know.
I wasn’t the cause of his problems. I was a witness to some of them. I was part of some of them. But I didn’t cause them.
I WASN’T THE CAUSE OF THEM - I want to shout.
I stood by him. I listened, I offered assistance in ways I only knew how. I defended him against critics that told me I should know better. I lost respect and face from people. I lost friendships. I honestly believed in him.
He once told me that I was a person of honesty and character & that was a rare quality in people these days. He used to joke with me as to whether I was a good or bad girl. It was how it started.
He also once told me that it was like I had battered wife syndrome - that I kept coming back for more even though he’d pull me down time and time again.
Enough seems enough. He said enough was enough many moons ago. He is much stronger than me - much more disciplined. His discipline always made me feel inferior, like I was weak. I’m sure that’s how he saw me. But I don’t see me that way.
How could a simple friendship based on humour turn out to make me feel this way?
I AM A GOOD GIRL!! And I don’t want to feel like this anymore.It's hard.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Amidst all the stormy confrontation of a monkey mind in ten different places at one time I found this old photograph of mine in Chetan's album which he had secretly stored without tellin' me..buddhu !Also while clearing junk from my google i found chat archive of me & beast.And here's few lines which i must cherish.
there she is at a distance
the lady with whom i talk
she is there so full in the light
in the moon, she takes a walk
(thats means ure a night owl)
she listens to me carefully
gawd she has deep ears
but eyes so so small to miss ny shortcomings
i hope she stays for rest of my years
I had been carrying him on my back with me for a long time.My energy, enthusiasm , peace....everything was drained out & by letting him go and forgiving i know i have elevated the quality of my own life.It took me a lot of personal courage gain my spirit and move on with the rest of my life.
Living in a world of broken promises,strings of broken relationships forces me to do some deep thinking about things of the past.Everyone who enters my life has a story to tell, and a lesson to teach giving me opportunities for enlightenment, understanding compassion and courtesy.
Time and again i face the challenge in my own life and I have just discovered i'm not alone in my fear.I wish to truly manifest my human potential and perform my best against the toughest opponent instead of contemplating life's large questions.
@Puneet Dhimman-- You suck ! Fuck U !
Friday, March 28, 2008
I’ve been feeling not so great lately. Anxiety has a grip on my heart.
Sometimes I don’t understand why things have to be the way they are. No-brain choices backfire and inadvertently cause damage & forgiving becomes the only option. And I don’t want any more damage. I feel alone and lost enough as it is and I can’t take any more.
I’m afraid of what the bigger implications of all this mean. I feel like lately my efforts are wasted, and yet, at the same time, like they are not enough. Feeling you slip away is like feeling a part of myself slip away. We’ve always been creepily intertwined like that. The same person in different bodies. I want to know what I’ve done wrong….... absolutely terrified.
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